The Content of their character, pt. 2

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Dr. Martin L. King. 

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?   You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement, מוסר.

WORK ETHIC

First, let's consider how we don't want our children to turn out.  If we wanted to use negative language, which we should avoid, we could tell our children not to be lazy.  Many people have wonderful ideas, but if they never act upon them or follow through on projects they begin, nobody else will know what they're capable of doing, and they won't earn the appreciation or respect they should.  


  It is better to encourage them to develop the positive character trait which doesn't have an exact English translation of the Hebrew word, but which has been called alacrity, alertness or fastidiousness, or the tendency to manage one's time constructively.  As the rabbi put it, Never waste a moment, to let it be for no positive purpose, and likewise actively do what you seek to accomplish.

Benjamin Franklin's name for this virtue, #6 on his list, was INDUSTRY, and his advice was, "Lose no time; be always employ’d in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions."    
See more here.

The content of their Character, pt. 1

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Dr. Martin L. King. 

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?  The parochial school where I didn't send my children has a special curriculum, complete with books, worksheets, and posters on the wall, stressing thirteen positive character traits.  We allow religious schools more leeway in discussing ethics, morals, and virtue than public schools.  However, as parents,we shouldn't depend on our children's schools to teach them how to be good people.

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement, מוסר.

TRUTH

One of the most influential spiritual leaders of modern times, Rabbi Israel Salanter lived in Lithuania in the nineteenth century and founded the Mussar Movement in Judaism, which stresses the importance of ethics.  His ideas are the basis of many Jewish school curricula, and he codified a list of thirteen character traits that he thought everyone should try to cultivate.  The first on the list was Don't say anything unless you know in your heart that it is true.

In Benjamin Franklin's list of virtues,  Sincerity was #7: Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.  Whichever scheme one chooses to use as a model, I think everyone agrees that honesty is a crucial character trait, and without it, people will not gain others' respect.
See more here.

Why do some people turn out so much better than some other people?

What do we want most for our children?  Happiness?  Success?  Wealth?  Health?  Fame?  Popularity?  Brilliant marriages?

It was 23 years ago today that I married my children’s father, so let’s zero in for a moment on how we can raise children who will attract the best possible husbands and wives.  What does that most perfect someone look in a spouse?  Money?  Looks?  A high status job?   Good Cooking?  Why do we like and respect some individuals much more than others?  Let us ask one of the preeminent moral leaders of the twentieth century.

Everybody appreciates the line from Rev. Martin L. King Jr.’s famous speech, even people who don’t agree with anything else he ever said.
I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

But can anyone explain what that means?  What exactly are the contents of a good character?  King didn’t live long enough to leave us his wisdom on the subject.  Or perhaps in his generation, he thought everybody knew.

Answering this question would seem to be a reasonable responsibility of organized religion, yet the Ten Commandments are too basic and too broad to be of much help, and those dealing with our conduct toward each other are overwhelmingly negative.  Only the Fifth Commandment even hints at character in that it vaguely asks us to behave in such a manner that to bring honor to our parents, whatever that might entail.   Likewise, the Buddhist Eight-Fold Path and the Catholic Seven Splendid Virtues, while short and easy to memorize, provide little direction. 

In my day, I had to memorize this set of ten Laws, which dated back to 1920:

1. A Girl Scout's Honor Is to be Trusted. 2. A Girl Scout Is Loyal. 3. A Girl Scout's Duty Is to be Useful and to Help Others. 4. A Girl Scout is a Friend to All, and a Sister to every other Girl Scout. 5. A Girl Scout Is Courteous. 6. A Girl Scout Is a Friend to Animals. 7. A Girl Scout Obeys Orders. 8. A Girl Scout is Cheerful. 9. A Girl Scout is Thrifty. 10. A Girl Scout is Clean in Thought, Word and Deed.

I understand there is another organization for boys that had some comparable kind of rules, and since I last sewed any badges on my sash, those old Girl Scout Laws have undergone several revisions.

Another somewhat older list of virtues system designed to help young people improve their character came from a twenty-year-old Benjamin Franklin in 1741.  Although he may have been influenced by Aristotle, Franklin’s scheme bears a strong resemblance to the one Rabbi Moses Chaim Luzzatto published in 1738, מסילת ישרים or Paths of the Just, which became the basis of Mussar teachings of Rabbi Yisrael Salanter.  We will examine these in depth over the course of the next week or two.
 

Of Timetables and Flannel Teapots

When random stuff happens to a small child, the child learns to think the world is confusing and out of control.  A set schedule--breakfast at 7:00, story time at 7:30, bath time at 8:00, a walk outside at 9:00, playtime at 10:00, etc.--helps children to develop a sense of security and order, to organize, predict, and to make sense of events happening around them, and eventually to become self-disciplined people with better study skills and a work ethic.  

My children had a structure at the university day care center where I took them as babies.  We only used the center part time, because I took leave from my teaching job when the children were small, but to send them there, we had to commit to sending each child there at least two four-hour blocks on different days of the week.  Otherwise, the children wouldn’t have the opportunity to bond and form relationships with the staff.  In addition to free play time with high quality educational toys, naps, snacks, and walks outside, they had art, music, and story time, and even gym at a prescribed time every day.  Then there was my favorite: flannels.  What they did not have was television watching time. 

I had never heard of flannels, but this turned out to be one of my children’s favorite activities, and my friends’ children’s.  By now, for all I know, they have replaced the flannel board with a computer and projector, but I sincerely hope they have not.  The flannel board helped train the children to face the same direction for five or ten minutes and listen to a group presentation, an important skill they’ll need later in school.  It also helped teach them, through daily repetition and a visual component, some Mother Goose rhymes and songs.     

I didn't always follow a schedule at home; in fact, I thought excessive regimentation would stifle their creativity, so I pretty much followed their cues.  Besides, my own schedule didn't always allow a consistent routine day after, depending on classes, doctor's appointments, the weather, and the progress of the plumber or painters.  I'm sorry now that I didn't try harder to follow a schedule like the day care center's, and if I could do it all over again, I would try to do so.

Even children who don’t attend day care centers can get something out of scheduled activities like flannels.  After we left the center, I decided to continue with my own homemade flannel board.  I covered a cork board with flannel and bought some flannel fabric to cut into teapots, monkeys, beds, spiders, waterspouts, mice, clocks, kittens, mittens, and all the other little visual aides necessary for all my children’s favorite nursery rhymes.  It was a tedious process, and soon I discovered I could cut out pictures of all these objects and make them stay up on the flannel board if I glued old dryer sheets to the back of them.  That was better than tossing all that used fabric softener into the garbage.  Unlike books, they don’t cost a lot of money or take up a lot of space, and you don’t have to take them back to the library.  Best of all, it’s a fun way for children enjoy music and poetry while interacting with the adults who love them, and a better use of time than television.