The most offensive word in the English language, part 2

I was at an internet discussion board the other day when I noticed that somebody had an attitude problem.  He seemed determined to argue, and I realized that he was overusing one particular word, and that was what made his posts so offensive.  In fact, about one out of six words was the word in question.  I'll bet you think you know what this word is, but you're probably wrong.  In fact, it's a word I used three times in the last sentence, and I may have already offended you by using it.  It was in that sentence, too.  Did you find it?  There. I did it again.

Any competent marriage counselor or expert on How To Be A More Effective Parent or teacher will tell you (I've got to stop doing that!) that one can avoid conflict and increase cooperation by making "I statements" and not "YOU statements" in sensitive conversations.  See http://www.fabermazlish.com/.  When people throw you around too much, especially at the beginning of a sentence, as in "You always..." and "You never..." and "You think..." and "You just want to..." and "You're trying to..." instead of speaking about what they know, others will see themselves as being accused or attacked, and they'll get defensive or angry at you.  

Since we as parents set an example for our children and model the habits they'll learn as they grow up,  it's not a bad idea to break the "YOU! YOU! YOU!" habit, if we have it, as soon as possible.  Not only can it keep our children out of unpleasant confrontations with strangers, but it can help them learn to communicate in personal situations with friends and family in a mature and constructive manner, especially in handling sensitive issues.  A useful template for a talking about a problem, instead of provoking other people's anger, is 

"I feel [name of emotion] when [describe situation] and I would like [specify the change you'd like to see]."    

Children who learn such communication skills from their parents are more likely to use them with other people, including their parents, and avoid offending those people, especially their parents.

The Content of their Character pt. 6

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Martin L. King, Jr.

 

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?  The parochial school where I didn't send my children has a special curriculum, complete with books, worksheets, and posters on the wall, stressing thirteen positive character traits.  We allow religious schools more leeway in discussing ethics, morals, and virtue than public schools.  However, as parents,we shouldn't depend on our children's schools to teach them how to be good people.

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement,  מוסר.

GENTLENESS

 First, let's consider how we don't want our children to be. Not everyone regards gentleness as a virtue.  Some see it as a sign of weakness.  It didn't make Ben Franklin's top ten list. Yet angry, abusive, and bad-tempered people may earn fear, but they don't often earn respect.  Dr. King himself taught us that sometimes delivering a message with non-violence can make it a more powerful message.  Parents who can deliver reprimands without shouting at their children model this rare but admirable character trait. The words of the wise are with gentleness heard, so therefore always strive to speak gently.  As another rabbi put it, The words of the wise are stated gently. In being good, do not be called ‘evil’.  In other words, don't let your means defeat your ends.
See more here.