Let's go to the grocery store!

Do you dread shopping with your toddler?  I remember once having an accident in that A & P where my mother used to take me.  I was having a bit too much fun scooting around with the grocery cart, and I fell and got a bloody lip.  I still have the scar, so when I see children standing up in grocery carts, I always want to say something to the parents.

Taking a two-year-old to the store can be a series of disasters, especially if you just expect the child to sit quietly in the cart and not embarrass you in public.  It can also be a tremendously educational and entertainment experience, if you plan it well, but it takes more than just a shopping list.  A little creativity can go a long way.  So does a little talk before you leave the house about what kind of behavior is appropriate or inappropriate in public and what rewards a child can earn by behaving appropriately.  Maybe you have one of those "rewards card" things the supermarkets give out to encourage customer loyalty.  You could create a rewards card to keep track of for your child's good behavior.  As for customer loyalty, though, I would suggest mixing it up and shopping at different stores sometimes.  That way your child can learn about choices and competition and get a better understanding of the community in which you live.

It helps to plan ahead, decide what you're going to serve for dinner for the week, and shop accordingly.  If you can plan the week's meals around foods that are on sale, you can save some money.  Walking into the store with a list lets you save time, and it lets you show your child how business-like and in charge you can be. Let your child have some input in creating the shopping list.  As I've said before, you can negotiate over the questionable items.  That way, you can not only help your child develop problem-solving skills, but also get some behavioral concessions out of your child.  Don't be afraid to say, "Cookies aren't very good for us.  How about some fruit instead?  Or a trip to the library?"  

Try to schedule your trip to the store after a nap and meal so the child isn't too cranky, and take along some emergency supplies, like snack food in your own container or a small toy on a tether.  As for feeding your child food from the store before paying for it, yes grapes and snap peas are healthier than m&m's, but remember you're setting an example, right?  A very small child won't understand the difference between unit pricing and bulk pricing.  It's a good idea to avoid shopping on an empty stomach, because then you'll be less likely to waste time and buy junk you don't need on impulse.

Of course everybody needs to eat.  Once you're in the store, you can use your need for food to strengthen all kinds of educational skills and teach all kinds of lessons,depending on the age of the child, from reading readiness to vocabulary, colors, shapes, math, money, economics, geography, health, nutrition, self-discipline, social skills, and decision making.  Depending on the age of the children, you can assign them "jobs" like finding the apples or letting you know whether the flat green vegetable you're looking at is a carrot or not.  You can compare prices between brands.  If you take a little world map along, you can note where the bananas, blueberries, kiwi fruit, and all the other foods come from.

When my children were very young, my husband and I used to go shopping in the evening and make it a family affair.  We would take turns, one of us pushing the cart with the baby in it, while the other one took our toddler on a walk through the aisles.  I decided a three-year-old would do less damage in the toilet paper and fabric softener aisles than in the spaghetti sauce and pickle aisles.  We made a game of counting all the babies and teddy bears we saw on all the product packaging.  It got us out of the house, it kept the kid busy, and it helped her get some math practice.  Furthermore, it was a way to avoid arguments ("What do you mean, you forgot to get dish detergent?" "You didn't tell me what kind of lettuce you wanted!", etc.) or paying a babysitter, or spending an evening as couch potatoes.

If you have another adult, or another child old enough to walk around the store without supervision, you can even make it a family game night and organize teams for a scavenger hunt.

• Let's see if we can find something in a big blue box that has the first letter of your name on it.
• Now let's look for something we want to eat for breakfast, and it's shaped like circles.
• Next, we need something in a round box, and it has a picture of a man in a big hat on it.
• How about something good to drink that doesn't have high fructose corn syrup in it?
• And when we've got everything on our list, we'll meet Mommy by the orange juice. 

You can't always get what you want, part 2: Avoiding power struggles with toddlers

One of my most vivid childhood memories was of going to the A & P with my mother and wanting one of the big boxed dolls they displayed on the top shelf above the food in aisle 8.  I don't remember whether I whined and acted up and gave my mother grief, but of course these beautiful dolls were way too expensive for my parents to buy, so I never got one.  I did get one doll I loved and played with for years, and I did learn to forgive my parents for not getting me a big beautiful doll from the A & P.  As disappointing as my childhood was, I knew I had it better than the millions of children around the world who went to bed hungry every night or whose lives were ravaged by war, disease, and oppressive political regimes.   Yet I have seen plenty of small children over the years carrying on in the grocery store whining and begging for toys and special treats, and I began to dread those trips to the supermarket that I would have when I had my own children.  

Here are some of the possible responses to a child who pulls a big loud embarrassing I WANT IT! tantrum in the store:

• "No you don't, so shut up!"
• "No you don't, so shut up! [SLAP!]"
• "Yes, of course you do, and Mommy loves you, so she's going to give it to you--Yes she is!--because nothing is too good for Mommy's wittle pwecious!  Dis world just wevolves awound Mommy's wittle pwecious--Yes it does!"
• "I understand you want it, but if I refuse to spoil you by giving in to all your demands."

Which answer do I recommend?   None of the above.  

If you don't give in to a child's demands, it's best to give your child a good reason.  There are some very good reasons to say no:

• We can't afford it.
• We don't have space for it in our house.
• I don't approve of it, because it's stupid or against our religion, or harmful for you, or of bad quality, or manufactured under unfair conditions by a company I'm boycotting on moral grounds.
• Your grandmother and I already have secret plans to surprise you with one on your birthday. (But you probably can't tell your child that.)

And there are bad reasons:

• I don't believe you're good enough to deserve it.
• This is going to be one power struggle I insist on winning, so there!

Sometimes  it's useful to go beyond the "Because I'm the Mom, and I say so" argument.  Doing so helps a child develop thinking skills and respect for the intelligence of both of you.  Additionally, sometimes it's useful to understand why the child is asking for something.  It could be: 

• because the child truly wants the toy
• because the child wants your attention
• because the child wants you to recognize and respect his or her feelings.

In other words, getting the toy might not be the real issue.  Your child might be satisfied with 

• "I know you want that.  It does look like fun, doesn't it?  And I'm sorry, but I can't get it for you today."  

That approach can work with a lot of other things in life, too:  

• "I know you don't enjoy buckling into your car seat, but you don't have a choice about it."
• "I know it's cold out here.  The weather is one of those things we can't do much about.  Fortunately, the bus will be here soon, and it will be warmer."
• "I know you wish it wasn't necessary to get your tetanus shot, and it makes me sad to see you stuck with needles, too, but it's the only way we can protect you from a disease that's even worse, and it will be over quickly." 
• "I know you loved that book, but the library needs it back today so somebody else can have a turn to read it.  Let's try to check it out again soon, all right?  Or should we buy our own copy?"

As for treats and toys from the store, you can avoid or reduce the likelihood of conflict if you plan your shopping trip in advance and find a way to negotiate with your child.  It's called being proactive.  We'll focus more closely on grocery shopping soon.  To keep it simple for now, discuss expected behavior in advance and work out a deal.  You want your child to avoid embarrassing you in front of strangers, and you can use a simple reward system to keep the child in line.  It's more effective than punishment.  Perhaps if a child follows the behavior rules you spelled out, like 

• stay seated in the cart, 
• keep hands off merchandise, 
• use your "inside" voice in the store, and only polite, pleasing tones 

through the entire shopping trip, (remember, don't stand up, don't grab, don't talk, don't whine will not work as well)  then you can let the child have a small treat (under $1) as a reward for good behavior when you go shopping, and hopefully it will be a healthy one.  If, like me, you serve a sugary dessert only once a week, then your children won't imagine they're entitled to candy every day, and you can try using cake or cookies as a special reward to encourage the behavior you want from them.  Or you can give them a reward that's not some material (nor fattening) thing.  

If it's something larger and more expensive that your child really wants, you may be able to work out a long term plan.  Perhaps you had thought about getting something in that basic price range for Christmas, but you hadn't found the perfect gift yet.  You can tell an older child (probably not a two or three-year old) that instead of twenty $1 treats, he or she can collect some kind of "good behavior" points for twenty weeks and earn a $20 prize. It might not be a surprise, but a child will feel more satisfied with a gift that's earned and not arbitrarily bestowed from out of the blue.  Children need to learn delayed gratification some day, so you may as well work on that now.  I haven't actually seen big toys in supermarkets since I was a girl, but if your child wants some kind of special treat advertised elsewhere, you can still use shopping behavior as part of your plan.  
  

And remember that the best things in life aren't things.  Sometimes a hug, a smile, an "I love you" or "I was very proud of you today" or some lap time with a good book is worth a hundred little shiny trinkets or a thousand candies.