The value of hard work

We all have a responsibility as parents to teach our young children the value of hard work.  Of course we all want them to succeed in their goals and become self-reliant, so they can fulfill their dreams and so we can be proud of them, or if for no other reason, so they don’t mooch off us in our old age.

In the past weeks, some politician or other has claimed that 47% of the American public pay no taxes and have no appreciation for the value of hard work.  He didn’t use the phrase “shiftless and lazy” explicitly, but many of us heard those unspoken words.  Oddly enough, that 47% figure corresponds almost exactly to the proportion of Americans who have told pollsters they’re voting for the other candidate.  Of course both candidates have supporters who pay high taxes and supporters who pay none.  In truth, we should probably attribute only a small fraction (closer to 4% or 7%) of the non-payment of taxes to the laziness and faulty character of the poor; some is due to old age, low incomes, illness, disability, or even to the greed or faulty character of rich who exploit loopholes and off-shore tax havens to avoid paying the taxes they owe.

Without getting into a political discussion, I think we should consider this question of why some people might not know the value of hard work.   The truth is that many of us, including middle class people, never learn the value of hard work until late in life, if ever.  Why is that?

Consider the young person who devotes hours to perfecting jump shots, back flips, double Axels, or guitar solos, only to receive no recognition, or to be excluded from the team or the band.  Consider the student who puts hours of effort into every school project and extra credit report and still doesn’t get grades as high as classmates to whom straight As come naturally.

Consider the workers who have two or three minimum wage jobs and see little of any rewards for their efforts.  Suppose your mother gets  up to catch a 6:00 bus every morning so she can ride across town to spend all day scrubbing floors, yet she still doesn’t bring home enough money to pay the rent on a decent apartment, plus utilities and health insurance without using food stamps, and she can’t afford to buy a functioning car or even good shoes for you and your siblings.    Suppose that what she does bring home is an aching back, chapped hands and knees, and stories about these other women she works for who can spend all day driving around in their SUVs shopping, who have closets full of shoes, and who can’t be bothered to scrub their own floors.  

Consider the family with a two hundred year legacy of working  involuntarily without pay for a paternalistic master who kept all the wealth they created and never recognized them as adult human beings or allowed them to pursue dreams of their own.

Consider the child with parents who have never encouraged him to work hard nor acknowledged his efforts.  Consider the child who never has the opportunity to get his or her own way, even at winning a game or choosing a favorite dessert.

One need not be economically disadvantaged to lack drive.  Indeed, some of the most diligent among us are people trying to overcome hardships.  Often children who grow up with all the advantages are the laziest among us. 

I have recently come to the realization that my own parents didn’t particularly help  me understand the importance of working hard.  My mother (who worked very hard at a low-paying dead-end job) frequently told me I was uncommonly clever, which only taught me to believe I was somehow more entitled to rewards than people who were merely average, by virtue of who I was and who my relatives were.   Yet studies show that in countries where children test higher in math than American children do, they learn to value hard work (http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2012/11/12/164793058/struggle-for-smarts-how-eastern-and-western-cultures-tackle-learning, http://www.tdl.com/~schafer/Asian.htm).  Children were given impossible problems to solve, and instead of giving up right away and saying “I quit.  It’s too difficult for me” they saw it as a challenge and kept working on it for a long time and trying to figure it out. 

Perhaps we need  to remember that what matters most in life is not who we are, which is something we cannot control, but what we do with our lives, which is something we can control.   Better yet, perhaps we can impress that on our children by valuing their efforts and their achievements.

 

You can't always get what you want, part 3: But if you try sometimes, you just might get ahead of people who don't.

According to a landmark study based on data collected at Perry Nursery School in Ypsilanti, Michigan back in the 1960's, children who received just a few hours of preschool education a week outperform those who didn't. The Perry study led to the creation of the federal Head Start program.  

I heard a pair of very interesting stories about preschool on National Public Radio last week.  The first one, although it said nothing I didn't already know, spoke to me personally, because I attended Perry for two years.  It seems now that the preschool advantage remains with children not only through high school, but into adulthood.  More about that another time.  I recommend that people click on the link and listen to the story.  

However, what I found particularly novel and interesting was something one school administrator said in the other story.  It seems that because many New York parents want their children to have all the advantages, competition for expensive (would you believe $30,000?) high-status preschools is fierce.  The preschool interview is now as stressful as a job interview, and several of the experts featured in the story offered advice on how to ace this interview.  For example, if a child visiting a preschool sees a toy truck on a shelf across the room, what should the best child for that school do?   

The answer surprised me.  I grew up, as did many people I know who don't make lots of money, with parents who subscribed to the "No, you can't do that" school of parenting.  I would think a polite well-behaved child would admire the truck from afar, but not go all "gimme, gimme, I WANT it!" and grab at it.  Perhaps that is why I'm not pulling in a six figure income.  It seems the "correct" response to an appealing toy that this school wants to see in an applicant is, in fact, some variation on the "gimme, gimme, I WANT it!" response.  

After all, preschools have toys so that the children there can play with them.  A normal healthy toddler should have the curiosity to investigate new toys.  A child who is too shy to express an interest in the toys available at preschool might grow up to become an adult too shy to stand up for her (or maybe his, but face it; it's usually her) rights.  A child can certainly toddle across a room and touch a toy, especially ask for permission to play with it, without doing violence to others or trampling on their rights.  Do we want our children to go through life believing, "They'll never let me do that"?  Or, "I can't do that"? or "That's too challenging for me to succeed"?  Or worse yet, "Only other people can have that, but I'm not good enough to deserve it"?  

By all means, we should teach our children to respect other people, but we must not forget to teach them self-respect.  Let us not be afraid to raise self-confident children who have the courage to express their feelings, who believe in and can stand up for themselves. 

You can't always get what you want, part 2: Avoiding power struggles with toddlers

One of my most vivid childhood memories was of going to the A & P with my mother and wanting one of the big boxed dolls they displayed on the top shelf above the food in aisle 8.  I don't remember whether I whined and acted up and gave my mother grief, but of course these beautiful dolls were way too expensive for my parents to buy, so I never got one.  I did get one doll I loved and played with for years, and I did learn to forgive my parents for not getting me a big beautiful doll from the A & P.  As disappointing as my childhood was, I knew I had it better than the millions of children around the world who went to bed hungry every night or whose lives were ravaged by war, disease, and oppressive political regimes.   Yet I have seen plenty of small children over the years carrying on in the grocery store whining and begging for toys and special treats, and I began to dread those trips to the supermarket that I would have when I had my own children.  

Here are some of the possible responses to a child who pulls a big loud embarrassing I WANT IT! tantrum in the store:

• "No you don't, so shut up!"
• "No you don't, so shut up! [SLAP!]"
• "Yes, of course you do, and Mommy loves you, so she's going to give it to you--Yes she is!--because nothing is too good for Mommy's wittle pwecious!  Dis world just wevolves awound Mommy's wittle pwecious--Yes it does!"
• "I understand you want it, but if I refuse to spoil you by giving in to all your demands."

Which answer do I recommend?   None of the above.  

If you don't give in to a child's demands, it's best to give your child a good reason.  There are some very good reasons to say no:

• We can't afford it.
• We don't have space for it in our house.
• I don't approve of it, because it's stupid or against our religion, or harmful for you, or of bad quality, or manufactured under unfair conditions by a company I'm boycotting on moral grounds.
• Your grandmother and I already have secret plans to surprise you with one on your birthday. (But you probably can't tell your child that.)

And there are bad reasons:

• I don't believe you're good enough to deserve it.
• This is going to be one power struggle I insist on winning, so there!

Sometimes  it's useful to go beyond the "Because I'm the Mom, and I say so" argument.  Doing so helps a child develop thinking skills and respect for the intelligence of both of you.  Additionally, sometimes it's useful to understand why the child is asking for something.  It could be: 

• because the child truly wants the toy
• because the child wants your attention
• because the child wants you to recognize and respect his or her feelings.

In other words, getting the toy might not be the real issue.  Your child might be satisfied with 

• "I know you want that.  It does look like fun, doesn't it?  And I'm sorry, but I can't get it for you today."  

That approach can work with a lot of other things in life, too:  

• "I know you don't enjoy buckling into your car seat, but you don't have a choice about it."
• "I know it's cold out here.  The weather is one of those things we can't do much about.  Fortunately, the bus will be here soon, and it will be warmer."
• "I know you wish it wasn't necessary to get your tetanus shot, and it makes me sad to see you stuck with needles, too, but it's the only way we can protect you from a disease that's even worse, and it will be over quickly." 
• "I know you loved that book, but the library needs it back today so somebody else can have a turn to read it.  Let's try to check it out again soon, all right?  Or should we buy our own copy?"

As for treats and toys from the store, you can avoid or reduce the likelihood of conflict if you plan your shopping trip in advance and find a way to negotiate with your child.  It's called being proactive.  We'll focus more closely on grocery shopping soon.  To keep it simple for now, discuss expected behavior in advance and work out a deal.  You want your child to avoid embarrassing you in front of strangers, and you can use a simple reward system to keep the child in line.  It's more effective than punishment.  Perhaps if a child follows the behavior rules you spelled out, like 

• stay seated in the cart, 
• keep hands off merchandise, 
• use your "inside" voice in the store, and only polite, pleasing tones 

through the entire shopping trip, (remember, don't stand up, don't grab, don't talk, don't whine will not work as well)  then you can let the child have a small treat (under $1) as a reward for good behavior when you go shopping, and hopefully it will be a healthy one.  If, like me, you serve a sugary dessert only once a week, then your children won't imagine they're entitled to candy every day, and you can try using cake or cookies as a special reward to encourage the behavior you want from them.  Or you can give them a reward that's not some material (nor fattening) thing.  

If it's something larger and more expensive that your child really wants, you may be able to work out a long term plan.  Perhaps you had thought about getting something in that basic price range for Christmas, but you hadn't found the perfect gift yet.  You can tell an older child (probably not a two or three-year old) that instead of twenty $1 treats, he or she can collect some kind of "good behavior" points for twenty weeks and earn a $20 prize. It might not be a surprise, but a child will feel more satisfied with a gift that's earned and not arbitrarily bestowed from out of the blue.  Children need to learn delayed gratification some day, so you may as well work on that now.  I haven't actually seen big toys in supermarkets since I was a girl, but if your child wants some kind of special treat advertised elsewhere, you can still use shopping behavior as part of your plan.  
  

And remember that the best things in life aren't things.  Sometimes a hug, a smile, an "I love you" or "I was very proud of you today" or some lap time with a good book is worth a hundred little shiny trinkets or a thousand candies.

What Makes a Good Teacher?

Everyone has something to say about how there are too many "bad" teachers in American schools these days, even people who wouldn't be caught dead teaching school themselves.  I have found that even teachers and principals can't put their finger on what exactly distinguishes a good teacher from a bad one.  Is a teacher who gives all A's better than a teacher who fails half the class?


I once had a colleague who would complain through lunch every day about her daughter's teacher.  According to this mother, the girl's teacher graded her unfairly, picked on her, and gave her a lot of grief at school.  What a terrible teacher! we all thought.  We suggested our colleague take up her concerns with the principal and see if she could do something about her daughter's teacher woman and perhaps put her on warning.  The mother's reaction was, "But she's such a good teacher!"  As confused as she obviously was, she's not the only one.  We expect principals to know what they're doing when they make hiring decisions, even though they often make some terrible calls.  My on-line friend Ebony Thomas, who teaches in Detroit, brought this article to my attention, and we both thought the author described the problem admirably: http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2011/08/29/confessions_of_a_bad_teacher/


Here are some qualities many people expect to see in teachers we call good:

• Ability to keep students under control and out of the principal's office (a top priority for Ms. P)
• Ability to produce high standardized test scores (another top priority for administrators)
• Ability to keep accurate records
• Ability to keep one's "cool" under stress
• Intelligence
• Knowledge of one's subject
• Love and enthusiasm for one's subject
• Concern and respect for children
• Love for children
• Ability to communicate with children
• Popularity
• Creativity
• Sense of humor

Here is the one quality I would name, that I thinks sums it all up: 

• Leadership.

As my friend Tina put it, the most important thing students need to learn is how to do things they don't want to do.  It doesn't matter how well the teacher knows the subject or how brilliant the teacher's lesson plans are if the teacher can't inspire or motivate the students to do the homework, study the material, and do well on the tests.  

Where did we go wrong?

Our city, along with other even greater cities, has seen a rise in youth violence this summer.  See this article.  Whether it's because of the economy, societal problems, or inadequate parenting, I can't help thinking more needs to be done on every level to address the problem.   

To Spank or Not to Spank

Today's New York Times had an interesting story and follow-up discussion about corporal punishment.  According to conventional wisdom, African American parents are more likely to use spanking as a means of discipline than European American parents.  I was aware, when my own children acted up, that slapping them in public might have gotten some people to condemn me, perhaps even to the police, but I was also aware that other parents would judge me unfavorably and think, "Those people just don't know how to discipline their children" if I didn't slap.  Since so many other words have been spent, I won't summarize, but readers can to go to this link and decide for themselves where they come down on the issue.  

Of course how one disciplines one's children has to do with more than race alone.  The greatest predictor is probably what one's own parents modeled.  Nevertheless, I understand the point.  In generations past, spanking was a way black parents impressed upon their children the necessity of instant obedience to those in power, which could have had life or death consequences in the Jim Crow South, or before.  If it fostered fear, sullenness, resentment, humiliation, or aggression, at least that was better than the alternative, a horrible and premature demise at the end of a rope.  

Some people argue that corporal punishment is an unforgivable form of abuse.  Others insist that they were spanked as children and it did them no harm.  Still others say we all do it, but few will admit to it.  One common refrain is "never punish in anger."  I always found the idea of a parent losing his temper (as almost every human occasionally does) and striking out less troubling than a spanking delivered in cold blood.  What does a parent tell a child when he decides that at his calmest, clearest, and most rational, he has no better recourse than to strike out physically?  Whenever I have entertained any urge of striking my children, I have always seen it as a failure to deal with a problem in a rational adult manner.     

I was particularly impressed by a few of the comments readers made, especially one schoolteacher who wrote that children who have been spanked are less likely to listen to adults who don't spank them.  Instead of learning to respect teachers in their own right, they learn to respect the power to inflict pain or humiliation on others, and they develop an attitude of "You Can't Make Me!"  That is, indeed, a response I have seen in the classroom.

I do believe that children need discipline.  Without it, they would grow into obnoxious, selfish brats.  But parents need to consider what ultimate goals they're trying to accomplish in disciplining their children, and what they want to instill.  Is it obedience?  Obedience is important if one intends to spend one's entire life as a child or a serf or slave, or cannon fodder, as many people did in centuries past.  Tragically, some children whose parents value obedience above all do spend their entire lives as children, all ten or four years of their lives, or both two.  Yet most children now live to face a long tenure as adults, and in the long run, they will need to develop competence and confidence more than obedience. 

I would rather see parents teach their children to act out of respect and consideration for others.  Instead of saying "You must obey me, because if you don't, I'll whack you from here to Timbuktu," I think parents should say "You must respect me, because as a human being, I deserve the respect of every other human being, and as your mother (or father) I deserve your respect and consideration even more than anyone else does."

No Bad Boys

What is my biggest parenting Pet Peeve?  Parents -- or teachers -- telling children they are bad.  


Once I saw a toddler visiting her grandmother, who told her, when she climbed onto a chair, that she was a "good" girl.  I cringed.  It seemed that according to this grandmother, a child's moral worth is a function of her ability to climb onto a chair.  Then the little girl tried climbing onto the table, and suddenly she was pronounced a "bad" girl.  Does that mean children who can climb are good, but children who climb are bad?  That made no sense to me, and I told the old woman as much in no uncertain terms.  

If Timmy dunks Mary O'Shaunessy's braid in his inkwell, should we tell Timmy that he's bad, a terrible person?  No, we should tell him he did the wrong thing.  We can ask him how he would feel in Mary's place. We should make him understand how it hurts or offends people when we put ink in their hair or how it violates their dignity, which we ought to respect.  We can demand that he apologize to Mary and make some appropriate restitution.  But if we pass judgement on him, then he may begin to believe he is existentially evil and grow up loathing himself.  Or he may imagine he must persist in his bad behavior, because he knows that's what the world expects of him.     


We may disagree on religious grounds, but whatever one may believe about human nature and sin, one can do serious psychological damage to a child by confusing that child's specific behavior with the child's innate value.  We can hate the sin, but we must still love the sinner, especially if we are the sinner's parents.

Now you KNOW you’re in Trouble!

If children don't love their names, I'll bet that their parents used their names to discipline them.  If Steven's parents only say "Steven!" when what they mean is "I'm very angry with you right now!" "Stop that this minute!" or "Here comes a spanking!" then Steven will learn to associate his name with something he doesn't like.  I would try to save a child's name for happy occasions, like meals and playtime, or at least to keep it neutral.  If you must scold a child, it's better to leave the child's name out of it.    

Keep it Positive

When my children were small, they were all blessed to attend the best day care center in the city, the one affiliated with a local university.  Of course it was exclusive and expensive and we couldn't stay there for long.  We were able to enroll them in a nearby Montessori school where they received an excellent preparation for school from wonderful caring teachers.   But the university day care center, even though they only went part time, still taught me some valuable lessons, and I despaired that our society can't give every parent the opportunity to benefit from the wisdom and expertise of such child care staff.  I intend to write more about the educational program later, but what impressed me the most about this day care center was the way they trained all the staff to speak to children.

I once saw a little boy trying to climb up the stairs to a little loft in the classroom.  Every room had a little loft, but this one was off limits at that particular time of day.  I felt tempted to say, "Don't climb on those stairs" to the child, but the teacher responded before I could, saying, "Both feet on the floor!"  These people were trained to avoid saying "No" to the children or to tell them what they shouldn't do.  Instead, they put everything in positive terms.    

Just think about it.  For every positive comment, the average parent makes multiple negative comments.  When you start telling people what not to do -- don't hit, don't scratch, don't poke, don't pinch,don't grab, don't bite, don't spit, don't throw crayons at people, don't throw blocks at people, don't throw toy trucks at people, don't throw clay at people, etc. -- you have to think up a long and exhaustive list of every possible offense imaginable, or you run the risk of leaving something out.  (Aha!  You didn't say I can't throw my shoes or furniture or spitballs at him, and for that matter, you didn't say I can't squeeze the classroom guinea pig, either.)   Or you might plant an idea in a child's head that wasn't there before.  Sometimes you tell a child "do NOT do such and such" and the child listens to every word but the NOT.  If nothing else, you might give the child a negative attitude and let him think all adults ever do is to complain and forbid everything.  Instead, it is so much better to give very clear and simple directions about what the child should do.  "Keep your hands to yourself" or "Use only gentle touches."

It takes some thinking, but it works.  After seeing how effective the day care center's method is, I started trying to figure out the best way to word my instructions to my child.  "Don't touch that priceless Ming Dynasty vase!" became "Let's admire the priceless Ming Dynasty vase from afar.  Isn't it pretty?"  Instead of worrying about what disaster my two-year-old would cause next, I could delight at how quickly she learned to clasp her hands together, take a step back, and solemnly admire from afar.