You can't always get what you want, part 3: But if you try sometimes, you just might get ahead of people who don't.

According to a landmark study based on data collected at Perry Nursery School in Ypsilanti, Michigan back in the 1960's, children who received just a few hours of preschool education a week outperform those who didn't. The Perry study led to the creation of the federal Head Start program.  

I heard a pair of very interesting stories about preschool on National Public Radio last week.  The first one, although it said nothing I didn't already know, spoke to me personally, because I attended Perry for two years.  It seems now that the preschool advantage remains with children not only through high school, but into adulthood.  More about that another time.  I recommend that people click on the link and listen to the story.  

However, what I found particularly novel and interesting was something one school administrator said in the other story.  It seems that because many New York parents want their children to have all the advantages, competition for expensive (would you believe $30,000?) high-status preschools is fierce.  The preschool interview is now as stressful as a job interview, and several of the experts featured in the story offered advice on how to ace this interview.  For example, if a child visiting a preschool sees a toy truck on a shelf across the room, what should the best child for that school do?   

The answer surprised me.  I grew up, as did many people I know who don't make lots of money, with parents who subscribed to the "No, you can't do that" school of parenting.  I would think a polite well-behaved child would admire the truck from afar, but not go all "gimme, gimme, I WANT it!" and grab at it.  Perhaps that is why I'm not pulling in a six figure income.  It seems the "correct" response to an appealing toy that this school wants to see in an applicant is, in fact, some variation on the "gimme, gimme, I WANT it!" response.  

After all, preschools have toys so that the children there can play with them.  A normal healthy toddler should have the curiosity to investigate new toys.  A child who is too shy to express an interest in the toys available at preschool might grow up to become an adult too shy to stand up for her (or maybe his, but face it; it's usually her) rights.  A child can certainly toddle across a room and touch a toy, especially ask for permission to play with it, without doing violence to others or trampling on their rights.  Do we want our children to go through life believing, "They'll never let me do that"?  Or, "I can't do that"? or "That's too challenging for me to succeed"?  Or worse yet, "Only other people can have that, but I'm not good enough to deserve it"?  

By all means, we should teach our children to respect other people, but we must not forget to teach them self-respect.  Let us not be afraid to raise self-confident children who have the courage to express their feelings, who believe in and can stand up for themselves. 

You can't always get what you want, part 2: Avoiding power struggles with toddlers

One of my most vivid childhood memories was of going to the A & P with my mother and wanting one of the big boxed dolls they displayed on the top shelf above the food in aisle 8.  I don't remember whether I whined and acted up and gave my mother grief, but of course these beautiful dolls were way too expensive for my parents to buy, so I never got one.  I did get one doll I loved and played with for years, and I did learn to forgive my parents for not getting me a big beautiful doll from the A & P.  As disappointing as my childhood was, I knew I had it better than the millions of children around the world who went to bed hungry every night or whose lives were ravaged by war, disease, and oppressive political regimes.   Yet I have seen plenty of small children over the years carrying on in the grocery store whining and begging for toys and special treats, and I began to dread those trips to the supermarket that I would have when I had my own children.  

Here are some of the possible responses to a child who pulls a big loud embarrassing I WANT IT! tantrum in the store:

• "No you don't, so shut up!"
• "No you don't, so shut up! [SLAP!]"
• "Yes, of course you do, and Mommy loves you, so she's going to give it to you--Yes she is!--because nothing is too good for Mommy's wittle pwecious!  Dis world just wevolves awound Mommy's wittle pwecious--Yes it does!"
• "I understand you want it, but if I refuse to spoil you by giving in to all your demands."

Which answer do I recommend?   None of the above.  

If you don't give in to a child's demands, it's best to give your child a good reason.  There are some very good reasons to say no:

• We can't afford it.
• We don't have space for it in our house.
• I don't approve of it, because it's stupid or against our religion, or harmful for you, or of bad quality, or manufactured under unfair conditions by a company I'm boycotting on moral grounds.
• Your grandmother and I already have secret plans to surprise you with one on your birthday. (But you probably can't tell your child that.)

And there are bad reasons:

• I don't believe you're good enough to deserve it.
• This is going to be one power struggle I insist on winning, so there!

Sometimes  it's useful to go beyond the "Because I'm the Mom, and I say so" argument.  Doing so helps a child develop thinking skills and respect for the intelligence of both of you.  Additionally, sometimes it's useful to understand why the child is asking for something.  It could be: 

• because the child truly wants the toy
• because the child wants your attention
• because the child wants you to recognize and respect his or her feelings.

In other words, getting the toy might not be the real issue.  Your child might be satisfied with 

• "I know you want that.  It does look like fun, doesn't it?  And I'm sorry, but I can't get it for you today."  

That approach can work with a lot of other things in life, too:  

• "I know you don't enjoy buckling into your car seat, but you don't have a choice about it."
• "I know it's cold out here.  The weather is one of those things we can't do much about.  Fortunately, the bus will be here soon, and it will be warmer."
• "I know you wish it wasn't necessary to get your tetanus shot, and it makes me sad to see you stuck with needles, too, but it's the only way we can protect you from a disease that's even worse, and it will be over quickly." 
• "I know you loved that book, but the library needs it back today so somebody else can have a turn to read it.  Let's try to check it out again soon, all right?  Or should we buy our own copy?"

As for treats and toys from the store, you can avoid or reduce the likelihood of conflict if you plan your shopping trip in advance and find a way to negotiate with your child.  It's called being proactive.  We'll focus more closely on grocery shopping soon.  To keep it simple for now, discuss expected behavior in advance and work out a deal.  You want your child to avoid embarrassing you in front of strangers, and you can use a simple reward system to keep the child in line.  It's more effective than punishment.  Perhaps if a child follows the behavior rules you spelled out, like 

• stay seated in the cart, 
• keep hands off merchandise, 
• use your "inside" voice in the store, and only polite, pleasing tones 

through the entire shopping trip, (remember, don't stand up, don't grab, don't talk, don't whine will not work as well)  then you can let the child have a small treat (under $1) as a reward for good behavior when you go shopping, and hopefully it will be a healthy one.  If, like me, you serve a sugary dessert only once a week, then your children won't imagine they're entitled to candy every day, and you can try using cake or cookies as a special reward to encourage the behavior you want from them.  Or you can give them a reward that's not some material (nor fattening) thing.  

If it's something larger and more expensive that your child really wants, you may be able to work out a long term plan.  Perhaps you had thought about getting something in that basic price range for Christmas, but you hadn't found the perfect gift yet.  You can tell an older child (probably not a two or three-year old) that instead of twenty $1 treats, he or she can collect some kind of "good behavior" points for twenty weeks and earn a $20 prize. It might not be a surprise, but a child will feel more satisfied with a gift that's earned and not arbitrarily bestowed from out of the blue.  Children need to learn delayed gratification some day, so you may as well work on that now.  I haven't actually seen big toys in supermarkets since I was a girl, but if your child wants some kind of special treat advertised elsewhere, you can still use shopping behavior as part of your plan.  
  

And remember that the best things in life aren't things.  Sometimes a hug, a smile, an "I love you" or "I was very proud of you today" or some lap time with a good book is worth a hundred little shiny trinkets or a thousand candies.

You can't always get what you want, part 1: Parents have right, too!

The summer after we married, my husband introduced me to his cousin, who had a brilliant system she used with her children when they were little.  Rena lives in New York City, so although she and her husband were financially comfortable, they had a small place without a tremendous amount of space for toys.  In contrast, my brother in New Jersey had more space, and the toys were taking over, squeezing them out of house and home.  I resolved that I was never going to let that happen in my house.  

(photo source: LifeasMOM )

When visiting my brother and struggling to find a seat not cluttered by my little nieces' blocks and doll furniture, I wondered how much longer their family would be able to stay in their house with the growing mountains of clutter, and when my brother and his wife would begin standing up for themselves and put a stop to the expanding mess.

As I already mentioned, my husband's cousin Rena had a brilliant system that I decided I would have to put in place when we had children.  Rena's children had rooms where they could keep their toys, but they had severe limits on how much of the family's common space they could take up with toys.  There was an entertainment center, étagère or whatever you want to call it in their living room, and the two children were allowed to fill no more than two shelves of it at any given time with their toys.  If they wanted more toys than would fill it, they needed to first give away something old to make room for the new toy.  Rena and her husband love their children, but the children were not the only people in their house.  They felt, and rightly so, that they and their adult friends who came to visit should be able to enjoy each other's company in an environment not dominated by children's messes.

I can't claim that my daughters managed to keep their rooms tidy.  For that, we tried buying clear plastic bins to organize the toys on the shelves, and we labeled them with pictures of what belonged inside (markers, doll stuff, building blocks, etc.).  They learned the fundamental principles of putting things away at Montessori preschool, but unfortunately, we removed them from their excellent Montessori program so they could start at their K-8 elementary school with the rest of the class.  Keeping them in Montessori longer might have reinforced the idea of taking responsibility for their things a bit better.  I might also have done a better job resisting the temptation to give them so much.  Both my husband and I grew up without many toys, and even though I tried limiting our collection to top quality educational toys and not a lot of cheap plastic junk, I probably was more materialistic than I should have been, maybe because of my own parents' austerity when I was a girl.

Fortunately, my bedroom has a large closet.  When the children failed to put away their toys after sufficient warning, I confiscated stuff and put it in my closet.  Then I could save myself the hassle of shopping for new toys by eventually giving the confiscated toys back for birthday or holiday gifts.  If the children couldn't take better care of them the second (or third) time around, I gave them all (the toys, not the children) to charity.  

I can't claim I found the perfect solution to the messy bedroom problem.  However, Rena's system of keeping the toys under control, at least in those parts of the house where I like to hang out, proved very effective. 

     

Of Timetables and Flannel Teapots

When random stuff happens to a small child, the child learns to think the world is confusing and out of control.  A set schedule--breakfast at 7:00, story time at 7:30, bath time at 8:00, a walk outside at 9:00, playtime at 10:00, etc.--helps children to develop a sense of security and order, to organize, predict, and to make sense of events happening around them, and eventually to become self-disciplined people with better study skills and a work ethic.  

My children had a structure at the university day care center where I took them as babies.  We only used the center part time, because I took leave from my teaching job when the children were small, but to send them there, we had to commit to sending each child there at least two four-hour blocks on different days of the week.  Otherwise, the children wouldn’t have the opportunity to bond and form relationships with the staff.  In addition to free play time with high quality educational toys, naps, snacks, and walks outside, they had art, music, and story time, and even gym at a prescribed time every day.  Then there was my favorite: flannels.  What they did not have was television watching time. 

I had never heard of flannels, but this turned out to be one of my children’s favorite activities, and my friends’ children’s.  By now, for all I know, they have replaced the flannel board with a computer and projector, but I sincerely hope they have not.  The flannel board helped train the children to face the same direction for five or ten minutes and listen to a group presentation, an important skill they’ll need later in school.  It also helped teach them, through daily repetition and a visual component, some Mother Goose rhymes and songs.     

I didn't always follow a schedule at home; in fact, I thought excessive regimentation would stifle their creativity, so I pretty much followed their cues.  Besides, my own schedule didn't always allow a consistent routine day after, depending on classes, doctor's appointments, the weather, and the progress of the plumber or painters.  I'm sorry now that I didn't try harder to follow a schedule like the day care center's, and if I could do it all over again, I would try to do so.

Even children who don’t attend day care centers can get something out of scheduled activities like flannels.  After we left the center, I decided to continue with my own homemade flannel board.  I covered a cork board with flannel and bought some flannel fabric to cut into teapots, monkeys, beds, spiders, waterspouts, mice, clocks, kittens, mittens, and all the other little visual aides necessary for all my children’s favorite nursery rhymes.  It was a tedious process, and soon I discovered I could cut out pictures of all these objects and make them stay up on the flannel board if I glued old dryer sheets to the back of them.  That was better than tossing all that used fabric softener into the garbage.  Unlike books, they don’t cost a lot of money or take up a lot of space, and you don’t have to take them back to the library.  Best of all, it’s a fun way for children enjoy music and poetry while interacting with the adults who love them, and a better use of time than television.

Both Hands on the Car.

Streets and parking lots can be dangerous places for small children.  Drivers can't see people as short as the average two-year-old, especially not drivers of SUV's and other trucks.  Ideally, you should hold a toddler's hand until he or she is safe in your car.  Unfortunately, that's not possible if your hands are full of the toddler's younger sibling.  Unless your toddler can climb into the car and wait for you to strap the baby safely into a car seat, you need to make sure the toddler is safe and out of harm's way.  You can tell them to stay nearby, but it's not very clear, and they may still want to run off.  If you phrase it in negative terms and tell your two-year-old not to run off, that might be just what it take to plant the idea in that little head of running off, and then you have a conflict on your hands.  It's better to give them clear, positive directions, like "keep one hand on the car," but that's still not the safest distance.  What I taught my toddlers to do was to stand so close to the car that they were touching it with both hands.  That way, they were too busy making sure that neither hand left the car to stray.  Another driver could not hit the child without hitting me and the car itself.