Do you want to know what really bothers me about some people?

No, you really don't, do you?  
I'm reading a biography of a great man, and just in time for Mother's Day, I found this lovely little tribute on page 15, 


"She had been reared in a cultured milieu, and as a matter of course she introduced her own children to the culture and literature she knew and loved . . . In order that they have more time to discuss music, books, and politics, she enforced a rule that the family could never talk of financial affairs or business matters at the dinner table.  Moreover, neither [parent] would tolerate any personal criticism of other persons, even of people they did not know first-hand.  [She] instilled in her children high moral standards." (Louis D. Brandeis: A Life by Melvin I. Urofsky)

How different from the attitude one finds on discussion boards and "comments" sections all over the internet.  Why do so many people insult others and call them nasty names?   How sad that they think they need to put other people down to build themselves up.  Complaining, griping, kvetching, and bad-mouthing everybody else really does not make them like you more or look up to you.  The most respected and admired people are the ones who see the good in others.  So remember, 

Nobody will measure your intelligence

by counting how many people

you call stupid.

Stand up Straight!

If you're like most of us, you've probably heard some old person, perhaps your mother, nag you about your posture.  This is because they learned the hard way what a lifetime of bad posture does to one's health--it leads to chronic back pain.  This causes special problems for women, even more so for women who have had children and may have osteoporosis or compromised bone density.  Fashion has long dictated that we wear high heeled shoes or boots, because many men are highly entertained by a sight of a young woman's wiggling buttocks.  Such men probably won't be around when you're fifty-something and won't be concerned about your aching back.  So let the man have the boot and take care of your health.

Allowing the muscles of your back to do all the work of supporting your body's weight is only a good idea if you plan to go through life walking on four legs.  If you prefer to walk on two legs, it's a bad idea.  The sooner a girl develops a habit of good posture, the less she'll suffer in her old age. 

The only problem I've found is that many advise givers, including drill sergeants, my own mother, and even some of the people who create web pages about good posture, don't actually know how to stand up straight.  They may suggest moderation between the extreme of leaning too far forward, as illustrated in the David Levine drawing above, and overcompensating, bending over backwards, perhaps the way some fashion models stroll down the catwalk.  I would argue that nobody with back pain ever makes the mistake of developing a posture habit of leaning too far backwards.   I recently had to teach my mother, who has had back trouble for as long as I can remember, how to stand up straight. 

Here is what you should do, from the ground up.  

1. Stand with your feet parallel, a comfortable distance apart (about the length of your foot) directly under your hips.
2. This is absolutely CRUCIAL:  Are your knees straight?  If they are, then unlock them.  This is the joint you should use if you need to bend  your body, such as to pick something off the floor, so make sure your knees are flexible, naturally.
3. Determine where your bottom is.  If you're like our little friend Betty (at left) and most people who have backaches, it's hanging out behind you.  Don't let it do that.  Try to stop thinking of it as your behind or your "back side" or (as my ballet teacher used to call it) your derrière. It should be your bottom, as in the part of you underneath the rest of your body.  Tighten your abdominal muscles and use them to tilt your pelvis under, where it is directly above your feet.  You can do this if your knees are not unnaturally locked.  Developing the habit of walking around like this will not only relieve the strain on your back muscles, but it will also strengthen your abdominal muscles, which is kind of the whole idea.
4. Let your shoulders relax and fall back naturally so that they're in a line directly above your feet and pelvis.
5. Hold your head up so your ears are in line with your feet, pelvis, shoulders, and the highest point in the sky. 

Fortunately, some internet sites do have helpful information, such as http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/health-tip/HT00520/rss=6 and http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/back-pain/LB00002_D.  If you want to learn more about exercises to relieve back pain or any other medical issues, I recommend them as a good place to start.  

Let's go to the grocery store!

Do you dread shopping with your toddler?  I remember once having an accident in that A & P where my mother used to take me.  I was having a bit too much fun scooting around with the grocery cart, and I fell and got a bloody lip.  I still have the scar, so when I see children standing up in grocery carts, I always want to say something to the parents.

Taking a two-year-old to the store can be a series of disasters, especially if you just expect the child to sit quietly in the cart and not embarrass you in public.  It can also be a tremendously educational and entertainment experience, if you plan it well, but it takes more than just a shopping list.  A little creativity can go a long way.  So does a little talk before you leave the house about what kind of behavior is appropriate or inappropriate in public and what rewards a child can earn by behaving appropriately.  Maybe you have one of those "rewards card" things the supermarkets give out to encourage customer loyalty.  You could create a rewards card to keep track of for your child's good behavior.  As for customer loyalty, though, I would suggest mixing it up and shopping at different stores sometimes.  That way your child can learn about choices and competition and get a better understanding of the community in which you live.

It helps to plan ahead, decide what you're going to serve for dinner for the week, and shop accordingly.  If you can plan the week's meals around foods that are on sale, you can save some money.  Walking into the store with a list lets you save time, and it lets you show your child how business-like and in charge you can be. Let your child have some input in creating the shopping list.  As I've said before, you can negotiate over the questionable items.  That way, you can not only help your child develop problem-solving skills, but also get some behavioral concessions out of your child.  Don't be afraid to say, "Cookies aren't very good for us.  How about some fruit instead?  Or a trip to the library?"  

Try to schedule your trip to the store after a nap and meal so the child isn't too cranky, and take along some emergency supplies, like snack food in your own container or a small toy on a tether.  As for feeding your child food from the store before paying for it, yes grapes and snap peas are healthier than m&m's, but remember you're setting an example, right?  A very small child won't understand the difference between unit pricing and bulk pricing.  It's a good idea to avoid shopping on an empty stomach, because then you'll be less likely to waste time and buy junk you don't need on impulse.

Of course everybody needs to eat.  Once you're in the store, you can use your need for food to strengthen all kinds of educational skills and teach all kinds of lessons,depending on the age of the child, from reading readiness to vocabulary, colors, shapes, math, money, economics, geography, health, nutrition, self-discipline, social skills, and decision making.  Depending on the age of the children, you can assign them "jobs" like finding the apples or letting you know whether the flat green vegetable you're looking at is a carrot or not.  You can compare prices between brands.  If you take a little world map along, you can note where the bananas, blueberries, kiwi fruit, and all the other foods come from.

When my children were very young, my husband and I used to go shopping in the evening and make it a family affair.  We would take turns, one of us pushing the cart with the baby in it, while the other one took our toddler on a walk through the aisles.  I decided a three-year-old would do less damage in the toilet paper and fabric softener aisles than in the spaghetti sauce and pickle aisles.  We made a game of counting all the babies and teddy bears we saw on all the product packaging.  It got us out of the house, it kept the kid busy, and it helped her get some math practice.  Furthermore, it was a way to avoid arguments ("What do you mean, you forgot to get dish detergent?" "You didn't tell me what kind of lettuce you wanted!", etc.) or paying a babysitter, or spending an evening as couch potatoes.

If you have another adult, or another child old enough to walk around the store without supervision, you can even make it a family game night and organize teams for a scavenger hunt.

• Let's see if we can find something in a big blue box that has the first letter of your name on it.
• Now let's look for something we want to eat for breakfast, and it's shaped like circles.
• Next, we need something in a round box, and it has a picture of a man in a big hat on it.
• How about something good to drink that doesn't have high fructose corn syrup in it?
• And when we've got everything on our list, we'll meet Mommy by the orange juice. 

You can't always get what you want, part 1: Parents have right, too!

The summer after we married, my husband introduced me to his cousin, who had a brilliant system she used with her children when they were little.  Rena lives in New York City, so although she and her husband were financially comfortable, they had a small place without a tremendous amount of space for toys.  In contrast, my brother in New Jersey had more space, and the toys were taking over, squeezing them out of house and home.  I resolved that I was never going to let that happen in my house.  

(photo source: LifeasMOM )

When visiting my brother and struggling to find a seat not cluttered by my little nieces' blocks and doll furniture, I wondered how much longer their family would be able to stay in their house with the growing mountains of clutter, and when my brother and his wife would begin standing up for themselves and put a stop to the expanding mess.

As I already mentioned, my husband's cousin Rena had a brilliant system that I decided I would have to put in place when we had children.  Rena's children had rooms where they could keep their toys, but they had severe limits on how much of the family's common space they could take up with toys.  There was an entertainment center, étagère or whatever you want to call it in their living room, and the two children were allowed to fill no more than two shelves of it at any given time with their toys.  If they wanted more toys than would fill it, they needed to first give away something old to make room for the new toy.  Rena and her husband love their children, but the children were not the only people in their house.  They felt, and rightly so, that they and their adult friends who came to visit should be able to enjoy each other's company in an environment not dominated by children's messes.

I can't claim that my daughters managed to keep their rooms tidy.  For that, we tried buying clear plastic bins to organize the toys on the shelves, and we labeled them with pictures of what belonged inside (markers, doll stuff, building blocks, etc.).  They learned the fundamental principles of putting things away at Montessori preschool, but unfortunately, we removed them from their excellent Montessori program so they could start at their K-8 elementary school with the rest of the class.  Keeping them in Montessori longer might have reinforced the idea of taking responsibility for their things a bit better.  I might also have done a better job resisting the temptation to give them so much.  Both my husband and I grew up without many toys, and even though I tried limiting our collection to top quality educational toys and not a lot of cheap plastic junk, I probably was more materialistic than I should have been, maybe because of my own parents' austerity when I was a girl.

Fortunately, my bedroom has a large closet.  When the children failed to put away their toys after sufficient warning, I confiscated stuff and put it in my closet.  Then I could save myself the hassle of shopping for new toys by eventually giving the confiscated toys back for birthday or holiday gifts.  If the children couldn't take better care of them the second (or third) time around, I gave them all (the toys, not the children) to charity.  

I can't claim I found the perfect solution to the messy bedroom problem.  However, Rena's system of keeping the toys under control, at least in those parts of the house where I like to hang out, proved very effective. 

     

The Most Important Thing You Learn in School

According to my dear friend Tina Owen, who was once a high school teacher and is now the principal of a grade 6-12 school she founded herself, the most important thing you have to learn in high school is how to do something you don't want to do.