The most offensive word in the English language, part 2

I was at an internet discussion board the other day when I noticed that somebody had an attitude problem.  He seemed determined to argue, and I realized that he was overusing one particular word, and that was what made his posts so offensive.  In fact, about one out of six words was the word in question.  I'll bet you think you know what this word is, but you're probably wrong.  In fact, it's a word I used three times in the last sentence, and I may have already offended you by using it.  It was in that sentence, too.  Did you find it?  There. I did it again.

Any competent marriage counselor or expert on How To Be A More Effective Parent or teacher will tell you (I've got to stop doing that!) that one can avoid conflict and increase cooperation by making "I statements" and not "YOU statements" in sensitive conversations.  See http://www.fabermazlish.com/.  When people throw you around too much, especially at the beginning of a sentence, as in "You always..." and "You never..." and "You think..." and "You just want to..." and "You're trying to..." instead of speaking about what they know, others will see themselves as being accused or attacked, and they'll get defensive or angry at you.  

Since we as parents set an example for our children and model the habits they'll learn as they grow up,  it's not a bad idea to break the "YOU! YOU! YOU!" habit, if we have it, as soon as possible.  Not only can it keep our children out of unpleasant confrontations with strangers, but it can help them learn to communicate in personal situations with friends and family in a mature and constructive manner, especially in handling sensitive issues.  A useful template for a talking about a problem, instead of provoking other people's anger, is 

"I feel [name of emotion] when [describe situation] and I would like [specify the change you'd like to see]."    

Children who learn such communication skills from their parents are more likely to use them with other people, including their parents, and avoid offending those people, especially their parents.

Stand up Straight!

If you're like most of us, you've probably heard some old person, perhaps your mother, nag you about your posture.  This is because they learned the hard way what a lifetime of bad posture does to one's health--it leads to chronic back pain.  This causes special problems for women, even more so for women who have had children and may have osteoporosis or compromised bone density.  Fashion has long dictated that we wear high heeled shoes or boots, because many men are highly entertained by a sight of a young woman's wiggling buttocks.  Such men probably won't be around when you're fifty-something and won't be concerned about your aching back.  So let the man have the boot and take care of your health.

Allowing the muscles of your back to do all the work of supporting your body's weight is only a good idea if you plan to go through life walking on four legs.  If you prefer to walk on two legs, it's a bad idea.  The sooner a girl develops a habit of good posture, the less she'll suffer in her old age. 

The only problem I've found is that many advise givers, including drill sergeants, my own mother, and even some of the people who create web pages about good posture, don't actually know how to stand up straight.  They may suggest moderation between the extreme of leaning too far forward, as illustrated in the David Levine drawing above, and overcompensating, bending over backwards, perhaps the way some fashion models stroll down the catwalk.  I would argue that nobody with back pain ever makes the mistake of developing a posture habit of leaning too far backwards.   I recently had to teach my mother, who has had back trouble for as long as I can remember, how to stand up straight. 

Here is what you should do, from the ground up.  

1. Stand with your feet parallel, a comfortable distance apart (about the length of your foot) directly under your hips.
2. This is absolutely CRUCIAL:  Are your knees straight?  If they are, then unlock them.  This is the joint you should use if you need to bend  your body, such as to pick something off the floor, so make sure your knees are flexible, naturally.
3. Determine where your bottom is.  If you're like our little friend Betty (at left) and most people who have backaches, it's hanging out behind you.  Don't let it do that.  Try to stop thinking of it as your behind or your "back side" or (as my ballet teacher used to call it) your derrière. It should be your bottom, as in the part of you underneath the rest of your body.  Tighten your abdominal muscles and use them to tilt your pelvis under, where it is directly above your feet.  You can do this if your knees are not unnaturally locked.  Developing the habit of walking around like this will not only relieve the strain on your back muscles, but it will also strengthen your abdominal muscles, which is kind of the whole idea.
4. Let your shoulders relax and fall back naturally so that they're in a line directly above your feet and pelvis.
5. Hold your head up so your ears are in line with your feet, pelvis, shoulders, and the highest point in the sky. 

Fortunately, some internet sites do have helpful information, such as http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/health-tip/HT00520/rss=6 and http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/back-pain/LB00002_D.  If you want to learn more about exercises to relieve back pain or any other medical issues, I recommend them as a good place to start.  

Let's go to the grocery store!

Do you dread shopping with your toddler?  I remember once having an accident in that A & P where my mother used to take me.  I was having a bit too much fun scooting around with the grocery cart, and I fell and got a bloody lip.  I still have the scar, so when I see children standing up in grocery carts, I always want to say something to the parents.

Taking a two-year-old to the store can be a series of disasters, especially if you just expect the child to sit quietly in the cart and not embarrass you in public.  It can also be a tremendously educational and entertainment experience, if you plan it well, but it takes more than just a shopping list.  A little creativity can go a long way.  So does a little talk before you leave the house about what kind of behavior is appropriate or inappropriate in public and what rewards a child can earn by behaving appropriately.  Maybe you have one of those "rewards card" things the supermarkets give out to encourage customer loyalty.  You could create a rewards card to keep track of for your child's good behavior.  As for customer loyalty, though, I would suggest mixing it up and shopping at different stores sometimes.  That way your child can learn about choices and competition and get a better understanding of the community in which you live.

It helps to plan ahead, decide what you're going to serve for dinner for the week, and shop accordingly.  If you can plan the week's meals around foods that are on sale, you can save some money.  Walking into the store with a list lets you save time, and it lets you show your child how business-like and in charge you can be. Let your child have some input in creating the shopping list.  As I've said before, you can negotiate over the questionable items.  That way, you can not only help your child develop problem-solving skills, but also get some behavioral concessions out of your child.  Don't be afraid to say, "Cookies aren't very good for us.  How about some fruit instead?  Or a trip to the library?"  

Try to schedule your trip to the store after a nap and meal so the child isn't too cranky, and take along some emergency supplies, like snack food in your own container or a small toy on a tether.  As for feeding your child food from the store before paying for it, yes grapes and snap peas are healthier than m&m's, but remember you're setting an example, right?  A very small child won't understand the difference between unit pricing and bulk pricing.  It's a good idea to avoid shopping on an empty stomach, because then you'll be less likely to waste time and buy junk you don't need on impulse.

Of course everybody needs to eat.  Once you're in the store, you can use your need for food to strengthen all kinds of educational skills and teach all kinds of lessons,depending on the age of the child, from reading readiness to vocabulary, colors, shapes, math, money, economics, geography, health, nutrition, self-discipline, social skills, and decision making.  Depending on the age of the children, you can assign them "jobs" like finding the apples or letting you know whether the flat green vegetable you're looking at is a carrot or not.  You can compare prices between brands.  If you take a little world map along, you can note where the bananas, blueberries, kiwi fruit, and all the other foods come from.

When my children were very young, my husband and I used to go shopping in the evening and make it a family affair.  We would take turns, one of us pushing the cart with the baby in it, while the other one took our toddler on a walk through the aisles.  I decided a three-year-old would do less damage in the toilet paper and fabric softener aisles than in the spaghetti sauce and pickle aisles.  We made a game of counting all the babies and teddy bears we saw on all the product packaging.  It got us out of the house, it kept the kid busy, and it helped her get some math practice.  Furthermore, it was a way to avoid arguments ("What do you mean, you forgot to get dish detergent?" "You didn't tell me what kind of lettuce you wanted!", etc.) or paying a babysitter, or spending an evening as couch potatoes.

If you have another adult, or another child old enough to walk around the store without supervision, you can even make it a family game night and organize teams for a scavenger hunt.

• Let's see if we can find something in a big blue box that has the first letter of your name on it.
• Now let's look for something we want to eat for breakfast, and it's shaped like circles.
• Next, we need something in a round box, and it has a picture of a man in a big hat on it.
• How about something good to drink that doesn't have high fructose corn syrup in it?
• And when we've got everything on our list, we'll meet Mommy by the orange juice. 

You can't always get what you want, part 2: Avoiding power struggles with toddlers

One of my most vivid childhood memories was of going to the A & P with my mother and wanting one of the big boxed dolls they displayed on the top shelf above the food in aisle 8.  I don't remember whether I whined and acted up and gave my mother grief, but of course these beautiful dolls were way too expensive for my parents to buy, so I never got one.  I did get one doll I loved and played with for years, and I did learn to forgive my parents for not getting me a big beautiful doll from the A & P.  As disappointing as my childhood was, I knew I had it better than the millions of children around the world who went to bed hungry every night or whose lives were ravaged by war, disease, and oppressive political regimes.   Yet I have seen plenty of small children over the years carrying on in the grocery store whining and begging for toys and special treats, and I began to dread those trips to the supermarket that I would have when I had my own children.  

Here are some of the possible responses to a child who pulls a big loud embarrassing I WANT IT! tantrum in the store:

• "No you don't, so shut up!"
• "No you don't, so shut up! [SLAP!]"
• "Yes, of course you do, and Mommy loves you, so she's going to give it to you--Yes she is!--because nothing is too good for Mommy's wittle pwecious!  Dis world just wevolves awound Mommy's wittle pwecious--Yes it does!"
• "I understand you want it, but if I refuse to spoil you by giving in to all your demands."

Which answer do I recommend?   None of the above.  

If you don't give in to a child's demands, it's best to give your child a good reason.  There are some very good reasons to say no:

• We can't afford it.
• We don't have space for it in our house.
• I don't approve of it, because it's stupid or against our religion, or harmful for you, or of bad quality, or manufactured under unfair conditions by a company I'm boycotting on moral grounds.
• Your grandmother and I already have secret plans to surprise you with one on your birthday. (But you probably can't tell your child that.)

And there are bad reasons:

• I don't believe you're good enough to deserve it.
• This is going to be one power struggle I insist on winning, so there!

Sometimes  it's useful to go beyond the "Because I'm the Mom, and I say so" argument.  Doing so helps a child develop thinking skills and respect for the intelligence of both of you.  Additionally, sometimes it's useful to understand why the child is asking for something.  It could be: 

• because the child truly wants the toy
• because the child wants your attention
• because the child wants you to recognize and respect his or her feelings.

In other words, getting the toy might not be the real issue.  Your child might be satisfied with 

• "I know you want that.  It does look like fun, doesn't it?  And I'm sorry, but I can't get it for you today."  

That approach can work with a lot of other things in life, too:  

• "I know you don't enjoy buckling into your car seat, but you don't have a choice about it."
• "I know it's cold out here.  The weather is one of those things we can't do much about.  Fortunately, the bus will be here soon, and it will be warmer."
• "I know you wish it wasn't necessary to get your tetanus shot, and it makes me sad to see you stuck with needles, too, but it's the only way we can protect you from a disease that's even worse, and it will be over quickly." 
• "I know you loved that book, but the library needs it back today so somebody else can have a turn to read it.  Let's try to check it out again soon, all right?  Or should we buy our own copy?"

As for treats and toys from the store, you can avoid or reduce the likelihood of conflict if you plan your shopping trip in advance and find a way to negotiate with your child.  It's called being proactive.  We'll focus more closely on grocery shopping soon.  To keep it simple for now, discuss expected behavior in advance and work out a deal.  You want your child to avoid embarrassing you in front of strangers, and you can use a simple reward system to keep the child in line.  It's more effective than punishment.  Perhaps if a child follows the behavior rules you spelled out, like 

• stay seated in the cart, 
• keep hands off merchandise, 
• use your "inside" voice in the store, and only polite, pleasing tones 

through the entire shopping trip, (remember, don't stand up, don't grab, don't talk, don't whine will not work as well)  then you can let the child have a small treat (under $1) as a reward for good behavior when you go shopping, and hopefully it will be a healthy one.  If, like me, you serve a sugary dessert only once a week, then your children won't imagine they're entitled to candy every day, and you can try using cake or cookies as a special reward to encourage the behavior you want from them.  Or you can give them a reward that's not some material (nor fattening) thing.  

If it's something larger and more expensive that your child really wants, you may be able to work out a long term plan.  Perhaps you had thought about getting something in that basic price range for Christmas, but you hadn't found the perfect gift yet.  You can tell an older child (probably not a two or three-year old) that instead of twenty $1 treats, he or she can collect some kind of "good behavior" points for twenty weeks and earn a $20 prize. It might not be a surprise, but a child will feel more satisfied with a gift that's earned and not arbitrarily bestowed from out of the blue.  Children need to learn delayed gratification some day, so you may as well work on that now.  I haven't actually seen big toys in supermarkets since I was a girl, but if your child wants some kind of special treat advertised elsewhere, you can still use shopping behavior as part of your plan.  
  

And remember that the best things in life aren't things.  Sometimes a hug, a smile, an "I love you" or "I was very proud of you today" or some lap time with a good book is worth a hundred little shiny trinkets or a thousand candies.

You can't always get what you want, part 1: Parents have right, too!

The summer after we married, my husband introduced me to his cousin, who had a brilliant system she used with her children when they were little.  Rena lives in New York City, so although she and her husband were financially comfortable, they had a small place without a tremendous amount of space for toys.  In contrast, my brother in New Jersey had more space, and the toys were taking over, squeezing them out of house and home.  I resolved that I was never going to let that happen in my house.  

(photo source: LifeasMOM )

When visiting my brother and struggling to find a seat not cluttered by my little nieces' blocks and doll furniture, I wondered how much longer their family would be able to stay in their house with the growing mountains of clutter, and when my brother and his wife would begin standing up for themselves and put a stop to the expanding mess.

As I already mentioned, my husband's cousin Rena had a brilliant system that I decided I would have to put in place when we had children.  Rena's children had rooms where they could keep their toys, but they had severe limits on how much of the family's common space they could take up with toys.  There was an entertainment center, étagère or whatever you want to call it in their living room, and the two children were allowed to fill no more than two shelves of it at any given time with their toys.  If they wanted more toys than would fill it, they needed to first give away something old to make room for the new toy.  Rena and her husband love their children, but the children were not the only people in their house.  They felt, and rightly so, that they and their adult friends who came to visit should be able to enjoy each other's company in an environment not dominated by children's messes.

I can't claim that my daughters managed to keep their rooms tidy.  For that, we tried buying clear plastic bins to organize the toys on the shelves, and we labeled them with pictures of what belonged inside (markers, doll stuff, building blocks, etc.).  They learned the fundamental principles of putting things away at Montessori preschool, but unfortunately, we removed them from their excellent Montessori program so they could start at their K-8 elementary school with the rest of the class.  Keeping them in Montessori longer might have reinforced the idea of taking responsibility for their things a bit better.  I might also have done a better job resisting the temptation to give them so much.  Both my husband and I grew up without many toys, and even though I tried limiting our collection to top quality educational toys and not a lot of cheap plastic junk, I probably was more materialistic than I should have been, maybe because of my own parents' austerity when I was a girl.

Fortunately, my bedroom has a large closet.  When the children failed to put away their toys after sufficient warning, I confiscated stuff and put it in my closet.  Then I could save myself the hassle of shopping for new toys by eventually giving the confiscated toys back for birthday or holiday gifts.  If the children couldn't take better care of them the second (or third) time around, I gave them all (the toys, not the children) to charity.  

I can't claim I found the perfect solution to the messy bedroom problem.  However, Rena's system of keeping the toys under control, at least in those parts of the house where I like to hang out, proved very effective. 

     

Keep it Positive

When my children were small, they were all blessed to attend the best day care center in the city, the one affiliated with a local university.  Of course it was exclusive and expensive and we couldn't stay there for long.  We were able to enroll them in a nearby Montessori school where they received an excellent preparation for school from wonderful caring teachers.   But the university day care center, even though they only went part time, still taught me some valuable lessons, and I despaired that our society can't give every parent the opportunity to benefit from the wisdom and expertise of such child care staff.  I intend to write more about the educational program later, but what impressed me the most about this day care center was the way they trained all the staff to speak to children.

I once saw a little boy trying to climb up the stairs to a little loft in the classroom.  Every room had a little loft, but this one was off limits at that particular time of day.  I felt tempted to say, "Don't climb on those stairs" to the child, but the teacher responded before I could, saying, "Both feet on the floor!"  These people were trained to avoid saying "No" to the children or to tell them what they shouldn't do.  Instead, they put everything in positive terms.    

Just think about it.  For every positive comment, the average parent makes multiple negative comments.  When you start telling people what not to do -- don't hit, don't scratch, don't poke, don't pinch,don't grab, don't bite, don't spit, don't throw crayons at people, don't throw blocks at people, don't throw toy trucks at people, don't throw clay at people, etc. -- you have to think up a long and exhaustive list of every possible offense imaginable, or you run the risk of leaving something out.  (Aha!  You didn't say I can't throw my shoes or furniture or spitballs at him, and for that matter, you didn't say I can't squeeze the classroom guinea pig, either.)   Or you might plant an idea in a child's head that wasn't there before.  Sometimes you tell a child "do NOT do such and such" and the child listens to every word but the NOT.  If nothing else, you might give the child a negative attitude and let him think all adults ever do is to complain and forbid everything.  Instead, it is so much better to give very clear and simple directions about what the child should do.  "Keep your hands to yourself" or "Use only gentle touches."

It takes some thinking, but it works.  After seeing how effective the day care center's method is, I started trying to figure out the best way to word my instructions to my child.  "Don't touch that priceless Ming Dynasty vase!" became "Let's admire the priceless Ming Dynasty vase from afar.  Isn't it pretty?"  Instead of worrying about what disaster my two-year-old would cause next, I could delight at how quickly she learned to clasp her hands together, take a step back, and solemnly admire from afar. 

    

Both Hands on the Car.

Streets and parking lots can be dangerous places for small children.  Drivers can't see people as short as the average two-year-old, especially not drivers of SUV's and other trucks.  Ideally, you should hold a toddler's hand until he or she is safe in your car.  Unfortunately, that's not possible if your hands are full of the toddler's younger sibling.  Unless your toddler can climb into the car and wait for you to strap the baby safely into a car seat, you need to make sure the toddler is safe and out of harm's way.  You can tell them to stay nearby, but it's not very clear, and they may still want to run off.  If you phrase it in negative terms and tell your two-year-old not to run off, that might be just what it take to plant the idea in that little head of running off, and then you have a conflict on your hands.  It's better to give them clear, positive directions, like "keep one hand on the car," but that's still not the safest distance.  What I taught my toddlers to do was to stand so close to the car that they were touching it with both hands.  That way, they were too busy making sure that neither hand left the car to stray.  Another driver could not hit the child without hitting me and the car itself.    

Make Bubbles!

If we want children to do something properly, we need to give them clear directions.  It's important to practice good hygiene, but telling small children to wash their hand doesn't give them enough information about how to do it.  This is what I told my children when they were small: 

• Turn on the water (warm is better than cold, if you're not afraid of it) and get your hands wet
• Put a little soap on your hands
• Rub your hands together and make lots of bubbles all over both of them, including between your fingers
• Rinse off all the water
• Dry your hands.

Recently, I heard someone say children should be taught to take as much time to wash their hands as it takes to sing "Happy Birthday."   I think that's a great idea.  When I taught school, I tried to write birthday greetings on the chalkboard every day, be it for Jane Austen, Gustav Mahler, A. Philip Randolph, or whoever might have had a birthday on any given day.  It gave the students an opportunity to learn about a person they had never thought about before.  It also gives children something to sing about when they wash their hands.