The value of hard work

We all have a responsibility as parents to teach our young children the value of hard work.  Of course we all want them to succeed in their goals and become self-reliant, so they can fulfill their dreams and so we can be proud of them, or if for no other reason, so they don’t mooch off us in our old age.

In the past weeks, some politician or other has claimed that 47% of the American public pay no taxes and have no appreciation for the value of hard work.  He didn’t use the phrase “shiftless and lazy” explicitly, but many of us heard those unspoken words.  Oddly enough, that 47% figure corresponds almost exactly to the proportion of Americans who have told pollsters they’re voting for the other candidate.  Of course both candidates have supporters who pay high taxes and supporters who pay none.  In truth, we should probably attribute only a small fraction (closer to 4% or 7%) of the non-payment of taxes to the laziness and faulty character of the poor; some is due to old age, low incomes, illness, disability, or even to the greed or faulty character of rich who exploit loopholes and off-shore tax havens to avoid paying the taxes they owe.

Without getting into a political discussion, I think we should consider this question of why some people might not know the value of hard work.   The truth is that many of us, including middle class people, never learn the value of hard work until late in life, if ever.  Why is that?

Consider the young person who devotes hours to perfecting jump shots, back flips, double Axels, or guitar solos, only to receive no recognition, or to be excluded from the team or the band.  Consider the student who puts hours of effort into every school project and extra credit report and still doesn’t get grades as high as classmates to whom straight As come naturally.

Consider the workers who have two or three minimum wage jobs and see little of any rewards for their efforts.  Suppose your mother gets  up to catch a 6:00 bus every morning so she can ride across town to spend all day scrubbing floors, yet she still doesn’t bring home enough money to pay the rent on a decent apartment, plus utilities and health insurance without using food stamps, and she can’t afford to buy a functioning car or even good shoes for you and your siblings.    Suppose that what she does bring home is an aching back, chapped hands and knees, and stories about these other women she works for who can spend all day driving around in their SUVs shopping, who have closets full of shoes, and who can’t be bothered to scrub their own floors.  

Consider the family with a two hundred year legacy of working  involuntarily without pay for a paternalistic master who kept all the wealth they created and never recognized them as adult human beings or allowed them to pursue dreams of their own.

Consider the child with parents who have never encouraged him to work hard nor acknowledged his efforts.  Consider the child who never has the opportunity to get his or her own way, even at winning a game or choosing a favorite dessert.

One need not be economically disadvantaged to lack drive.  Indeed, some of the most diligent among us are people trying to overcome hardships.  Often children who grow up with all the advantages are the laziest among us. 

I have recently come to the realization that my own parents didn’t particularly help  me understand the importance of working hard.  My mother (who worked very hard at a low-paying dead-end job) frequently told me I was uncommonly clever, which only taught me to believe I was somehow more entitled to rewards than people who were merely average, by virtue of who I was and who my relatives were.   Yet studies show that in countries where children test higher in math than American children do, they learn to value hard work (http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2012/11/12/164793058/struggle-for-smarts-how-eastern-and-western-cultures-tackle-learning, http://www.tdl.com/~schafer/Asian.htm).  Children were given impossible problems to solve, and instead of giving up right away and saying “I quit.  It’s too difficult for me” they saw it as a challenge and kept working on it for a long time and trying to figure it out. 

Perhaps we need  to remember that what matters most in life is not who we are, which is something we cannot control, but what we do with our lives, which is something we can control.   Better yet, perhaps we can impress that on our children by valuing their efforts and their achievements.

 

Do you want to know what really bothers me about some people?

No, you really don't, do you?  
I'm reading a biography of a great man, and just in time for Mother's Day, I found this lovely little tribute on page 15, 


"She had been reared in a cultured milieu, and as a matter of course she introduced her own children to the culture and literature she knew and loved . . . In order that they have more time to discuss music, books, and politics, she enforced a rule that the family could never talk of financial affairs or business matters at the dinner table.  Moreover, neither [parent] would tolerate any personal criticism of other persons, even of people they did not know first-hand.  [She] instilled in her children high moral standards." (Louis D. Brandeis: A Life by Melvin I. Urofsky)

How different from the attitude one finds on discussion boards and "comments" sections all over the internet.  Why do so many people insult others and call them nasty names?   How sad that they think they need to put other people down to build themselves up.  Complaining, griping, kvetching, and bad-mouthing everybody else really does not make them like you more or look up to you.  The most respected and admired people are the ones who see the good in others.  So remember, 

Nobody will measure your intelligence

by counting how many people

you call stupid.

Your baby's politics.

You probably don't think your baby is old enough yet to develop a political philosophy.  Think again, and consider the cases of Baby A and Baby B.


Baby A, who is an only child, lives in a big house on a big lot on a quiet street on the edge of town.  Aside from the occasional sound of a vacuum cleaner or lawn mower, Baby A hears few sounds not produced either directly or indirectly by Baby A.  That is, in part, because of the white noise machine which drowns out noises.  More importantly, A's parents subscribe to an educational-toy-of-the-month club, so every few weeks, beginning with the cute little Busy Booties® from Month 1, Baby A gets another new toy expertly designed to meet Baby A's needs in a manner most perfectly suited to Baby A's current level of cognitive development.  The first instructional unit has focused on the concept of Cause and Effect, and Baby A has learned that a shake of Baby A's left foot, thanks to the red Busy Booty®, will produce an amusing rattling sound, a shake of Baby A's right foot, thanks to the green Busy Booty® will produce a pleasant ringing bell sound, a squeeze of the purple plush octopus will produce a squeaky sound tuned to one of eight tones of the C major scale, and a tug on the blue ducky will cause music to play and the mobile over Baby A's crib to turn.  When Baby A cries, one of Baby A's parents hears, thanks to the house intercom, and quickly comes and removes Baby A from the crib and solves whatever problem is bothering Baby A.  As Baby A gets older and learns to talk, A's parents will usually give A whatever A asks for.


Then there is Baby B.  Baby B lives in an apartment on a busy street in the middle of the city.  Baby B shares a room with two older siblings.  The neighbors in the apartment above Baby B's room are also noisy people who often play loud music not requested by Baby B.  Because of the liquor store and the two taverns within a block of Baby B's apartment, Baby B's sleep is frequently interrupted by the sound of breaking glass or drunken brawls from outside the window.  Baby B also hears random sirens, gunshots, and barking dogs.  When Baby B cries, Baby B's parents might respond, but they may both be too busy with the other children.  As Baby B gets older and learns to talk,  B will speak out about what B wants, but B's parents will not usually be able to give B what B asks for.


One of these children, barring the parents' deliberate effort to teach otherwise, will probably grow up to be a free market Republican who believes that the world is a fair place and that with enough effort, one can accomplish whatever one wants to in one's life, so people all deserve to be exactly as rich or poor as they are.  


The other child, barring the parents' deliberate effort to teach otherwise, will probably grow up to be a Democrat who believes the world is unfair and stacked against many of us, and that forces beyond our control often deny hardworking people the rewards they deserve, through no fault of their own.  


I invite you to guess which is which.


Both of these children may grow up unable to understand how the other can possibly have a view of the world so different from their own. 

Raising Likable People

My friend Rona Kader Wolfe, one of the most perfect parents I know, posted something on her facebook page yesterday that brilliantly sums up much of what I've been thinking about recently.  Her little daughter Sadie asked her, 
"Mom, why do some people grow up to be so mean?" 
Rona- "Maybe because no one let them be happy when they were little. When you don't know how to be happy with yourself, you don't know how to like others." 
Sadie- "Oh, if that's the case when I grow up I guess I'm gonna love everybody!"


I doubt that anyone deliberately sets out to abuse children.  However, I know parents who think it's good to be "tough" with a child in the name of "discipline."  Before Dr. Benjamin Spock, the "experts" counseled mothers not to cuddle and comfort their babies too much, because it would spoil them.  It wasn't considered healthy to kiss little children, because they might get germs.  They said it was "unscientific" to show children too much love, even psychologically damaging.  I still know people who say suffering is good for the soul.  What doesn't kill them will make them stronger.  Unfortunately, what doesn't make them stronger might just kill them.   Yes, they do need to learn that there is cruelty and injustice in this world, but they shouldn't feel beaten down by it and develop full-time despair.   


Children will have plenty of time when they're older to develop strength and independence, but before they can do that, they need to develop a sense that they are loved and secure and that a good life is possible within their families, if not in the world at large.  

Summing it up

There you have it.  If some people seem to have more than their share of admirers, even if they don't have the money or the looks or the fame others have, it might be because their families or someone instilled in them the importance of good character. 


The idea of "Character Education" comes in and out of style in school curricula.  We should be able to expect organized religions will teach their young members something about how to be decent and righteous people.  Although we would hope that teachers do something to encourage it, the primary responsibility to raise children to be creditable human beings still rests squarely on the shoulders of us parents.  Whatever virtues one values, I think it's necessary to communicate to one's children, clearly and consistently, that those are the character traits we want them to develop.  They should be virtues that not only make our children easier for us to live with, but virtues that will earn the admiration of their peers and those who follow them long after we're gone.  

Of course, the most powerful instruction we as parents can give our children is through our actions.  Children have a strong sense of justice and honesty.  If we tell them to behave a certain way but fail to follow our own advice and behave the opposite way ourselves, we will forfeit their respect.  The "Do as I Say, Don't Do as I Do" kind of parenting will backfire.  We want to base our authority on noble respect, not on primitive fear.  If we sometimes stumble in our own pursuit of perfection, we should be honest and gracious about it and keep trying. 

I have provided one list of suggestions.  See more here.  There are others.  I notice that courtesy or manners is missing from the list, but perhaps that is included under gentleness or respect or cleanliness or peace of mind. 


Whatever you decide to articulate as your own family's character education goals, don't keep them a secret from your children.  Stick them up on the refrigerator, or stitch little samplers to frame and hang up around the living room. The best disciplined children I know have parents who can keep them in line by saying "In this family, we don't [fill in the blank]" and be assured that the children know what they mean.

The Content of their Character pt. 13

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Martin L. King, Jr.

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?  The parochial school where I didn't send my children has a special curriculum, complete with books, worksheets, and posters on the wall, stressing thirteen positive character traits.  We allow religious schools more leeway in discussing ethics, morals, and virtue than public schools.  However, as parents,we shouldn't depend on our children's schools to teach them how to be good people.

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement,  מוסר.

SILENCE

One principle my mother used to stress when I was a girl comes from that famous Disney philosopher, Thumper the Bunny:  

Or as Robert Frost put it, "Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it."  Nobody likes a constant complainer, and children who demand to be the center of attention all the time grow up to be adults whom others would rather avoid.  Not only do people prefer to have other people listen to them, but they will be more likely to listen to us if we save our breath for something truly important.   

Children should be taught the virtue of choosing their words carefully, and not talking unless they have something worthwhile to say.  As Rabbi Salanter put it,"Consider the result that is to come out of your words before you speak."  Ben Franklin's advice was Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation."
See more here.

The Content of their Character pt. 12

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Martin L. King, Jr.

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?  The parochial school where I didn't send my children has a special curriculum, complete with books, worksheets, and posters on the wall, stressing thirteen positive character traits.  We allow religious schools more leeway in discussing ethics, morals, and virtue than public schools.  However, as parents,we shouldn't depend on our children's schools to teach them how to be good people.

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement,  מוסר.

THRIFT

First of all, let's consider who we don't want our children to turn out.  Wasting resources, such as money, time, water, food, paper, or any other useful substance, is irresponsible.  In modern language, try teaching your children to reduce, reuse, and recycle, or to do without.  They don't need to be stingy, but they should stop and think about what they're doing when they spend and try to stay within a budget.  Rabbi Salanter said "Do not spend a penny that is not for a necessary purpose." This virtue was #5 on Franklin's list, "Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing." 
See more here.

The Content of their Character pt. 11

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Dr. Martin L. King, Jr.,

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?  The parochial school where I didn't send my children has a special curriculum, complete with books, worksheets, and posters on the wall, stressing thirteen positive character traits.  We allow religious schools more leeway in discussing ethics, morals, and virtue than public schools.  However, as parents,we shouldn't depend on our children's schools to teach them how to be good people.

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement,  מוסר.

RIGHTEOUSNESS

This is, of course, one virtue King did manage to preach in his short lifetime.  Indeed, he devoted his career to the pursuit of justice on a grand societal scale.  However, justice can also be understood as a personal character trait.  A person of good character can be relied upon to do the right thing and treat others fairly.  The Hebrew letters צדק form the root not only for justice and righteousness, but also the word for charity.  Keeping all of one's wealth for oneself and refusing to share it with those in need violates the basic principle of righteousness.  If we want our children to earn the respect of others, we need to teach them that famous "Golden Rule" about not doing anything unto others that they would not want others doing unto them.  Better than merely avoiding unjust behavior, they can earn admiration if they make the active pursuit of justice a priority.  As Ben Franklin put it, "Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty."
See more here.

The Content of their Character pt. 10

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Martin L. King, Jr. 

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?  The parochial school where I didn't send my children has a special curriculum, complete with books, worksheets, and posters on the wall, stressing thirteen positive character traits.  We allow religious schools more leeway in discussing ethics, morals, and virtue than public schools.  However, as parents,we shouldn't depend on our children's schools to teach them how to be good people.

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement, מוסר.

MODESTY

Do you know people who constantly update their facebook pages to boast about their own honors and accomplishments?  The man who only cares about himself or the woman who talks about nothing but herself all the time annoys everybody.  It's hard to like a person who is arrogant and vain.  We all prefer the person who listens when we want to do the talking.  If we want our children to enjoy the positive regard of other people, we need to teach them that the universe doesn't revolve around them, but that other people are as worthy of attention and regard as they are.   
That doesn't mean we should put ourselves down.  As the great Rabbi Hillel said, If I am not for myself, who will be for me?  And if I am only for myself, what am I?  If we are willing to see the good in others and the flaws in ourselves, then we will be able to learn from others and improve ourselves.  Ben Franklin's advice was "Imitate Jesus and Socrates," and R. Salanter's, "Recognize your own shortcomings and pay no attention to those of others." 
See more here.

The Content of their Character pt. 9

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Martin L. King, Jr.

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?  The parochial school where I didn't send my children has a special curriculum, complete with books, worksheets, and posters on the wall, stressing thirteen positive character traits.  We allow religious schools more leeway in discussing ethics, morals, and virtue than public schools.  However, as parents,we shouldn't depend on our children's schools to teach them how to be good people.

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement,  מוסר.

ORDER

Do you know any chaotic, disorganized people who clutter their lives and agendas with random stuff, who can't manage their mail and pay their bills on time, whose houses are too messy to let friends drop by, and who don't seem to know what they're doing at any particular moment?  We tend not to think as well of such people as of those who've got themselves together.  Children who live with a predictable schedule tend to do better in school, and they grow up to be more successful professionally.  They also manage to have more control over their lives and feel less overwhelmed by the world around them.  Ben Franklin's advice was "Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time."   As R. Salanter put it, "Do all of your deeds and all of your undertakings in an organized and disciplined manner."
See more here.

The Content of their Character pt. 8

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Martin L. King, Jr. 

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?  The parochial school where I didn't send my children has a special curriculum, complete with books, worksheets, and posters on the wall, stressing thirteen positive character traits.  We allow religious schools more leeway in discussing ethics, morals, and virtue than public schools.  However, as parents,we shouldn't depend on our children's schools to teach them how to be good people.

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement, מוסר.

PATIENCE

For some reason, Ben Franklin didn't include this virtue in his top ten list.  However, the ability to control one's temper and suffer fools gladly on the occasion that one must is often seen as a sign of a good character.  We appreciate patience even more in children.  Indeed, when parents tell their children to be "good" then it is probably patience that we're asking them to display. When something unpleasant and unavoidalbe happens to them, we want them to avoid making the sitution worse by overreacting.  As R. Salanter said, Bear with calm every happening and every event in life.
See more here.

The Content of their Character pt. 7

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Martin L. King, Jr.

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?  The parochial school where I didn't send my children has a special curriculum, complete with books, worksheets, and posters on the wall, stressing thirteen positive character traits.  We allow religious schools more leeway in discussing ethics, morals, and virtue than public schools.  However, as parents,we shouldn't depend on our children's schools to teach them how to be good people.

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement,  מוסר.

CLEANLINESS

This is one virtue that might not make everybody's top ten list.  We are more likely to think of it as a feminine virtue than a masculine one, but well-groomed men, as long as they aren't vain, do make a better impression than messy, dirty ones.   Keeping oneself and one's surroundings clean shows that we have self-respect.  Taking care not to look or smell offensive shows our respect for those around us.
See more here.

The Content of their Character pt. 6

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Martin L. King, Jr.

 

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?  The parochial school where I didn't send my children has a special curriculum, complete with books, worksheets, and posters on the wall, stressing thirteen positive character traits.  We allow religious schools more leeway in discussing ethics, morals, and virtue than public schools.  However, as parents,we shouldn't depend on our children's schools to teach them how to be good people.

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement,  מוסר.

GENTLENESS

 First, let's consider how we don't want our children to be. Not everyone regards gentleness as a virtue.  Some see it as a sign of weakness.  It didn't make Ben Franklin's top ten list. Yet angry, abusive, and bad-tempered people may earn fear, but they don't often earn respect.  Dr. King himself taught us that sometimes delivering a message with non-violence can make it a more powerful message.  Parents who can deliver reprimands without shouting at their children model this rare but admirable character trait. The words of the wise are with gentleness heard, so therefore always strive to speak gently.  As another rabbi put it, The words of the wise are stated gently. In being good, do not be called ‘evil’.  In other words, don't let your means defeat your ends.
See more here.

The Content of their character, pt. 5

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember the immortal words of Martin L.King:

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?  The parochial school where I didn't send my children has a special curriculum, complete with books, worksheets, and posters on the wall, stressing thirteen positive character traits.  We allow religious schools more leeway in discussing ethics, morals, and virtue than public schools.  However, as parents,we shouldn't depend on our children's schools to teach them how to be good people.

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement, מוסר.

PEACE OF MIND

This trait could also be called equanimity, composure, cool-headedness, calmness, poise, self-control, composure, or a number of other things.  When people of character are under stress, we admire their ability to maintain their tempers and act with dignity.  We tend to have less respect for people who fly off the handle and overreact when things go wrong.  Have a spirit that is at rest, without ever being hasty, so that you can do everything calmly.  In Franklin's words, Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable. As the rabbi put it,  Have a spirit that is at rest, without ever being hasty, so that you can do everything calmly.
See more here.

The Content of their character, pt. 4

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Dr. Martin L. King:

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains? 

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that if you’re lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Benjamin Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement, מוסר.

RESPECT

Everybody alive deserves respect for the simple fact of being human.  We don't know what trials and tribulations another person has gone through.  Even if people are not our friends, they are still human beings.  If one refuses to show respect to others until they first demonstrate their respect, then one will never earn anyone's respect.   As R. Salanter advised, "Be cautious in the honoring of every person, even anyone whose thinking you consider to be imperfect."
See more here.