You can't always get what you want, part 3: But if you try sometimes, you just might get ahead of people who don't.

According to a landmark study based on data collected at Perry Nursery School in Ypsilanti, Michigan back in the 1960's, children who received just a few hours of preschool education a week outperform those who didn't. The Perry study led to the creation of the federal Head Start program.  

I heard a pair of very interesting stories about preschool on National Public Radio last week.  The first one, although it said nothing I didn't already know, spoke to me personally, because I attended Perry for two years.  It seems now that the preschool advantage remains with children not only through high school, but into adulthood.  More about that another time.  I recommend that people click on the link and listen to the story.  

However, what I found particularly novel and interesting was something one school administrator said in the other story.  It seems that because many New York parents want their children to have all the advantages, competition for expensive (would you believe $30,000?) high-status preschools is fierce.  The preschool interview is now as stressful as a job interview, and several of the experts featured in the story offered advice on how to ace this interview.  For example, if a child visiting a preschool sees a toy truck on a shelf across the room, what should the best child for that school do?   

The answer surprised me.  I grew up, as did many people I know who don't make lots of money, with parents who subscribed to the "No, you can't do that" school of parenting.  I would think a polite well-behaved child would admire the truck from afar, but not go all "gimme, gimme, I WANT it!" and grab at it.  Perhaps that is why I'm not pulling in a six figure income.  It seems the "correct" response to an appealing toy that this school wants to see in an applicant is, in fact, some variation on the "gimme, gimme, I WANT it!" response.  

After all, preschools have toys so that the children there can play with them.  A normal healthy toddler should have the curiosity to investigate new toys.  A child who is too shy to express an interest in the toys available at preschool might grow up to become an adult too shy to stand up for her (or maybe his, but face it; it's usually her) rights.  A child can certainly toddle across a room and touch a toy, especially ask for permission to play with it, without doing violence to others or trampling on their rights.  Do we want our children to go through life believing, "They'll never let me do that"?  Or, "I can't do that"? or "That's too challenging for me to succeed"?  Or worse yet, "Only other people can have that, but I'm not good enough to deserve it"?  

By all means, we should teach our children to respect other people, but we must not forget to teach them self-respect.  Let us not be afraid to raise self-confident children who have the courage to express their feelings, who believe in and can stand up for themselves. 

To Spank or Not to Spank

Today's New York Times had an interesting story and follow-up discussion about corporal punishment.  According to conventional wisdom, African American parents are more likely to use spanking as a means of discipline than European American parents.  I was aware, when my own children acted up, that slapping them in public might have gotten some people to condemn me, perhaps even to the police, but I was also aware that other parents would judge me unfavorably and think, "Those people just don't know how to discipline their children" if I didn't slap.  Since so many other words have been spent, I won't summarize, but readers can to go to this link and decide for themselves where they come down on the issue.  

Of course how one disciplines one's children has to do with more than race alone.  The greatest predictor is probably what one's own parents modeled.  Nevertheless, I understand the point.  In generations past, spanking was a way black parents impressed upon their children the necessity of instant obedience to those in power, which could have had life or death consequences in the Jim Crow South, or before.  If it fostered fear, sullenness, resentment, humiliation, or aggression, at least that was better than the alternative, a horrible and premature demise at the end of a rope.  

Some people argue that corporal punishment is an unforgivable form of abuse.  Others insist that they were spanked as children and it did them no harm.  Still others say we all do it, but few will admit to it.  One common refrain is "never punish in anger."  I always found the idea of a parent losing his temper (as almost every human occasionally does) and striking out less troubling than a spanking delivered in cold blood.  What does a parent tell a child when he decides that at his calmest, clearest, and most rational, he has no better recourse than to strike out physically?  Whenever I have entertained any urge of striking my children, I have always seen it as a failure to deal with a problem in a rational adult manner.     

I was particularly impressed by a few of the comments readers made, especially one schoolteacher who wrote that children who have been spanked are less likely to listen to adults who don't spank them.  Instead of learning to respect teachers in their own right, they learn to respect the power to inflict pain or humiliation on others, and they develop an attitude of "You Can't Make Me!"  That is, indeed, a response I have seen in the classroom.

I do believe that children need discipline.  Without it, they would grow into obnoxious, selfish brats.  But parents need to consider what ultimate goals they're trying to accomplish in disciplining their children, and what they want to instill.  Is it obedience?  Obedience is important if one intends to spend one's entire life as a child or a serf or slave, or cannon fodder, as many people did in centuries past.  Tragically, some children whose parents value obedience above all do spend their entire lives as children, all ten or four years of their lives, or both two.  Yet most children now live to face a long tenure as adults, and in the long run, they will need to develop competence and confidence more than obedience. 

I would rather see parents teach their children to act out of respect and consideration for others.  Instead of saying "You must obey me, because if you don't, I'll whack you from here to Timbuktu," I think parents should say "You must respect me, because as a human being, I deserve the respect of every other human being, and as your mother (or father) I deserve your respect and consideration even more than anyone else does."