You can't always get what you want, part 1: Parents have right, too!

The summer after we married, my husband introduced me to his cousin, who had a brilliant system she used with her children when they were little.  Rena lives in New York City, so although she and her husband were financially comfortable, they had a small place without a tremendous amount of space for toys.  In contrast, my brother in New Jersey had more space, and the toys were taking over, squeezing them out of house and home.  I resolved that I was never going to let that happen in my house.  

(photo source: LifeasMOM )

When visiting my brother and struggling to find a seat not cluttered by my little nieces' blocks and doll furniture, I wondered how much longer their family would be able to stay in their house with the growing mountains of clutter, and when my brother and his wife would begin standing up for themselves and put a stop to the expanding mess.

As I already mentioned, my husband's cousin Rena had a brilliant system that I decided I would have to put in place when we had children.  Rena's children had rooms where they could keep their toys, but they had severe limits on how much of the family's common space they could take up with toys.  There was an entertainment center, étagère or whatever you want to call it in their living room, and the two children were allowed to fill no more than two shelves of it at any given time with their toys.  If they wanted more toys than would fill it, they needed to first give away something old to make room for the new toy.  Rena and her husband love their children, but the children were not the only people in their house.  They felt, and rightly so, that they and their adult friends who came to visit should be able to enjoy each other's company in an environment not dominated by children's messes.

I can't claim that my daughters managed to keep their rooms tidy.  For that, we tried buying clear plastic bins to organize the toys on the shelves, and we labeled them with pictures of what belonged inside (markers, doll stuff, building blocks, etc.).  They learned the fundamental principles of putting things away at Montessori preschool, but unfortunately, we removed them from their excellent Montessori program so they could start at their K-8 elementary school with the rest of the class.  Keeping them in Montessori longer might have reinforced the idea of taking responsibility for their things a bit better.  I might also have done a better job resisting the temptation to give them so much.  Both my husband and I grew up without many toys, and even though I tried limiting our collection to top quality educational toys and not a lot of cheap plastic junk, I probably was more materialistic than I should have been, maybe because of my own parents' austerity when I was a girl.

Fortunately, my bedroom has a large closet.  When the children failed to put away their toys after sufficient warning, I confiscated stuff and put it in my closet.  Then I could save myself the hassle of shopping for new toys by eventually giving the confiscated toys back for birthday or holiday gifts.  If the children couldn't take better care of them the second (or third) time around, I gave them all (the toys, not the children) to charity.  

I can't claim I found the perfect solution to the messy bedroom problem.  However, Rena's system of keeping the toys under control, at least in those parts of the house where I like to hang out, proved very effective. 

     

The Content of their Character pt. 9

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Martin L. King, Jr.

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?  The parochial school where I didn't send my children has a special curriculum, complete with books, worksheets, and posters on the wall, stressing thirteen positive character traits.  We allow religious schools more leeway in discussing ethics, morals, and virtue than public schools.  However, as parents,we shouldn't depend on our children's schools to teach them how to be good people.

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement,  מוסר.

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Do you know any chaotic, disorganized people who clutter their lives and agendas with random stuff, who can't manage their mail and pay their bills on time, whose houses are too messy to let friends drop by, and who don't seem to know what they're doing at any particular moment?  We tend not to think as well of such people as of those who've got themselves together.  Children who live with a predictable schedule tend to do better in school, and they grow up to be more successful professionally.  They also manage to have more control over their lives and feel less overwhelmed by the world around them.  Ben Franklin's advice was "Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time."   As R. Salanter put it, "Do all of your deeds and all of your undertakings in an organized and disciplined manner."
See more here.

Of Timetables and Flannel Teapots

When random stuff happens to a small child, the child learns to think the world is confusing and out of control.  A set schedule--breakfast at 7:00, story time at 7:30, bath time at 8:00, a walk outside at 9:00, playtime at 10:00, etc.--helps children to develop a sense of security and order, to organize, predict, and to make sense of events happening around them, and eventually to become self-disciplined people with better study skills and a work ethic.  

My children had a structure at the university day care center where I took them as babies.  We only used the center part time, because I took leave from my teaching job when the children were small, but to send them there, we had to commit to sending each child there at least two four-hour blocks on different days of the week.  Otherwise, the children wouldn’t have the opportunity to bond and form relationships with the staff.  In addition to free play time with high quality educational toys, naps, snacks, and walks outside, they had art, music, and story time, and even gym at a prescribed time every day.  Then there was my favorite: flannels.  What they did not have was television watching time. 

I had never heard of flannels, but this turned out to be one of my children’s favorite activities, and my friends’ children’s.  By now, for all I know, they have replaced the flannel board with a computer and projector, but I sincerely hope they have not.  The flannel board helped train the children to face the same direction for five or ten minutes and listen to a group presentation, an important skill they’ll need later in school.  It also helped teach them, through daily repetition and a visual component, some Mother Goose rhymes and songs.     

I didn't always follow a schedule at home; in fact, I thought excessive regimentation would stifle their creativity, so I pretty much followed their cues.  Besides, my own schedule didn't always allow a consistent routine day after, depending on classes, doctor's appointments, the weather, and the progress of the plumber or painters.  I'm sorry now that I didn't try harder to follow a schedule like the day care center's, and if I could do it all over again, I would try to do so.

Even children who don’t attend day care centers can get something out of scheduled activities like flannels.  After we left the center, I decided to continue with my own homemade flannel board.  I covered a cork board with flannel and bought some flannel fabric to cut into teapots, monkeys, beds, spiders, waterspouts, mice, clocks, kittens, mittens, and all the other little visual aides necessary for all my children’s favorite nursery rhymes.  It was a tedious process, and soon I discovered I could cut out pictures of all these objects and make them stay up on the flannel board if I glued old dryer sheets to the back of them.  That was better than tossing all that used fabric softener into the garbage.  Unlike books, they don’t cost a lot of money or take up a lot of space, and you don’t have to take them back to the library.  Best of all, it’s a fun way for children enjoy music and poetry while interacting with the adults who love them, and a better use of time than television.