Got the Picture?

One bit of advice I wish I had followed when my children were young was to take more pictures.  It was always such a pain keeping pictures organized in those days, but today, with all the digital technology available, one no longer has any excuse not to take pictures of everything your child does.

And I do mean everything.  Yes, I did get all the sappy shots, getting on the school bus the first day of kindergarten with the adorable little plaid dress, family vacations, holidays, birthday parties, graduations . . . well some of them, at least.  


What I would advise most of all is to get pictures of each child with each friend.  Take one every year at each birthday party.  Send a copy of the birthday party picture along with each thank you note.  Likewise, you should get a picture of your baby in each new baby outfit that came as a gift from a friend or relative and send that along with the thank you note, because no giver of an adorable little baby dress will be able to resist seeing how adorable the recipient looks in the gift she bought.  Ideally, the relative should appear in the picture, holding the baby.  When your child is a senior in high school, he or she may need a baby picture to put in the high school yearbook.  Be sure you have a respectable selection of pictures from which to choose (and not just the one of your child in the bathtub!) so your teen won’t be able to accuse you of never having cared about him or her, and there you .

Then save as many pictures as you can of each friend and relation, and when your child has a bar mitzvah or a Quinceañera or graduation party or a wedding reception, or when he or she retires, you can trot out all these pictures again and make a slide show or video to show as entertainment.  All your guests will love seeing pictures of themselves and each other from ten or twenty or fifty years earlier, and you’ll have a better party, with people being able to laugh at how geeky they looked in second grade or what funny hairstyles people wore twenty years ago, or how young Aunt Jennifer used to look back in those days.

Summing it up

There you have it.  If some people seem to have more than their share of admirers, even if they don't have the money or the looks or the fame others have, it might be because their families or someone instilled in them the importance of good character. 


The idea of "Character Education" comes in and out of style in school curricula.  We should be able to expect organized religions will teach their young members something about how to be decent and righteous people.  Although we would hope that teachers do something to encourage it, the primary responsibility to raise children to be creditable human beings still rests squarely on the shoulders of us parents.  Whatever virtues one values, I think it's necessary to communicate to one's children, clearly and consistently, that those are the character traits we want them to develop.  They should be virtues that not only make our children easier for us to live with, but virtues that will earn the admiration of their peers and those who follow them long after we're gone.  

Of course, the most powerful instruction we as parents can give our children is through our actions.  Children have a strong sense of justice and honesty.  If we tell them to behave a certain way but fail to follow our own advice and behave the opposite way ourselves, we will forfeit their respect.  The "Do as I Say, Don't Do as I Do" kind of parenting will backfire.  We want to base our authority on noble respect, not on primitive fear.  If we sometimes stumble in our own pursuit of perfection, we should be honest and gracious about it and keep trying. 

I have provided one list of suggestions.  See more here.  There are others.  I notice that courtesy or manners is missing from the list, but perhaps that is included under gentleness or respect or cleanliness or peace of mind. 


Whatever you decide to articulate as your own family's character education goals, don't keep them a secret from your children.  Stick them up on the refrigerator, or stitch little samplers to frame and hang up around the living room. The best disciplined children I know have parents who can keep them in line by saying "In this family, we don't [fill in the blank]" and be assured that the children know what they mean.

The Content of their Character pt. 13

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Martin L. King, Jr.

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?  The parochial school where I didn't send my children has a special curriculum, complete with books, worksheets, and posters on the wall, stressing thirteen positive character traits.  We allow religious schools more leeway in discussing ethics, morals, and virtue than public schools.  However, as parents,we shouldn't depend on our children's schools to teach them how to be good people.

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement,  מוסר.

SILENCE

One principle my mother used to stress when I was a girl comes from that famous Disney philosopher, Thumper the Bunny:  

Or as Robert Frost put it, "Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it."  Nobody likes a constant complainer, and children who demand to be the center of attention all the time grow up to be adults whom others would rather avoid.  Not only do people prefer to have other people listen to them, but they will be more likely to listen to us if we save our breath for something truly important.   

Children should be taught the virtue of choosing their words carefully, and not talking unless they have something worthwhile to say.  As Rabbi Salanter put it,"Consider the result that is to come out of your words before you speak."  Ben Franklin's advice was Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation."
See more here.

The Content of their Character pt. 12

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Martin L. King, Jr.

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?  The parochial school where I didn't send my children has a special curriculum, complete with books, worksheets, and posters on the wall, stressing thirteen positive character traits.  We allow religious schools more leeway in discussing ethics, morals, and virtue than public schools.  However, as parents,we shouldn't depend on our children's schools to teach them how to be good people.

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement,  מוסר.

THRIFT

First of all, let's consider who we don't want our children to turn out.  Wasting resources, such as money, time, water, food, paper, or any other useful substance, is irresponsible.  In modern language, try teaching your children to reduce, reuse, and recycle, or to do without.  They don't need to be stingy, but they should stop and think about what they're doing when they spend and try to stay within a budget.  Rabbi Salanter said "Do not spend a penny that is not for a necessary purpose." This virtue was #5 on Franklin's list, "Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing." 
See more here.

The Content of their Character pt. 11

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Dr. Martin L. King, Jr.,

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?  The parochial school where I didn't send my children has a special curriculum, complete with books, worksheets, and posters on the wall, stressing thirteen positive character traits.  We allow religious schools more leeway in discussing ethics, morals, and virtue than public schools.  However, as parents,we shouldn't depend on our children's schools to teach them how to be good people.

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement,  מוסר.

RIGHTEOUSNESS

This is, of course, one virtue King did manage to preach in his short lifetime.  Indeed, he devoted his career to the pursuit of justice on a grand societal scale.  However, justice can also be understood as a personal character trait.  A person of good character can be relied upon to do the right thing and treat others fairly.  The Hebrew letters צדק form the root not only for justice and righteousness, but also the word for charity.  Keeping all of one's wealth for oneself and refusing to share it with those in need violates the basic principle of righteousness.  If we want our children to earn the respect of others, we need to teach them that famous "Golden Rule" about not doing anything unto others that they would not want others doing unto them.  Better than merely avoiding unjust behavior, they can earn admiration if they make the active pursuit of justice a priority.  As Ben Franklin put it, "Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty."
See more here.

The Content of their Character pt. 10

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Martin L. King, Jr. 

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?  The parochial school where I didn't send my children has a special curriculum, complete with books, worksheets, and posters on the wall, stressing thirteen positive character traits.  We allow religious schools more leeway in discussing ethics, morals, and virtue than public schools.  However, as parents,we shouldn't depend on our children's schools to teach them how to be good people.

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement, מוסר.

MODESTY

Do you know people who constantly update their facebook pages to boast about their own honors and accomplishments?  The man who only cares about himself or the woman who talks about nothing but herself all the time annoys everybody.  It's hard to like a person who is arrogant and vain.  We all prefer the person who listens when we want to do the talking.  If we want our children to enjoy the positive regard of other people, we need to teach them that the universe doesn't revolve around them, but that other people are as worthy of attention and regard as they are.   
That doesn't mean we should put ourselves down.  As the great Rabbi Hillel said, If I am not for myself, who will be for me?  And if I am only for myself, what am I?  If we are willing to see the good in others and the flaws in ourselves, then we will be able to learn from others and improve ourselves.  Ben Franklin's advice was "Imitate Jesus and Socrates," and R. Salanter's, "Recognize your own shortcomings and pay no attention to those of others." 
See more here.

The Content of their Character pt. 9

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Martin L. King, Jr.

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?  The parochial school where I didn't send my children has a special curriculum, complete with books, worksheets, and posters on the wall, stressing thirteen positive character traits.  We allow religious schools more leeway in discussing ethics, morals, and virtue than public schools.  However, as parents,we shouldn't depend on our children's schools to teach them how to be good people.

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement,  מוסר.

ORDER

Do you know any chaotic, disorganized people who clutter their lives and agendas with random stuff, who can't manage their mail and pay their bills on time, whose houses are too messy to let friends drop by, and who don't seem to know what they're doing at any particular moment?  We tend not to think as well of such people as of those who've got themselves together.  Children who live with a predictable schedule tend to do better in school, and they grow up to be more successful professionally.  They also manage to have more control over their lives and feel less overwhelmed by the world around them.  Ben Franklin's advice was "Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time."   As R. Salanter put it, "Do all of your deeds and all of your undertakings in an organized and disciplined manner."
See more here.

The Content of their Character pt. 8

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Martin L. King, Jr. 

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?  The parochial school where I didn't send my children has a special curriculum, complete with books, worksheets, and posters on the wall, stressing thirteen positive character traits.  We allow religious schools more leeway in discussing ethics, morals, and virtue than public schools.  However, as parents,we shouldn't depend on our children's schools to teach them how to be good people.

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement, מוסר.

PATIENCE

For some reason, Ben Franklin didn't include this virtue in his top ten list.  However, the ability to control one's temper and suffer fools gladly on the occasion that one must is often seen as a sign of a good character.  We appreciate patience even more in children.  Indeed, when parents tell their children to be "good" then it is probably patience that we're asking them to display. When something unpleasant and unavoidalbe happens to them, we want them to avoid making the sitution worse by overreacting.  As R. Salanter said, Bear with calm every happening and every event in life.
See more here.

The Content of their Character pt. 7

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Martin L. King, Jr.

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?  The parochial school where I didn't send my children has a special curriculum, complete with books, worksheets, and posters on the wall, stressing thirteen positive character traits.  We allow religious schools more leeway in discussing ethics, morals, and virtue than public schools.  However, as parents,we shouldn't depend on our children's schools to teach them how to be good people.

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement,  מוסר.

CLEANLINESS

This is one virtue that might not make everybody's top ten list.  We are more likely to think of it as a feminine virtue than a masculine one, but well-groomed men, as long as they aren't vain, do make a better impression than messy, dirty ones.   Keeping oneself and one's surroundings clean shows that we have self-respect.  Taking care not to look or smell offensive shows our respect for those around us.
See more here.

The Content of their Character pt. 6

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Martin L. King, Jr.

 

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?  The parochial school where I didn't send my children has a special curriculum, complete with books, worksheets, and posters on the wall, stressing thirteen positive character traits.  We allow religious schools more leeway in discussing ethics, morals, and virtue than public schools.  However, as parents,we shouldn't depend on our children's schools to teach them how to be good people.

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement,  מוסר.

GENTLENESS

 First, let's consider how we don't want our children to be. Not everyone regards gentleness as a virtue.  Some see it as a sign of weakness.  It didn't make Ben Franklin's top ten list. Yet angry, abusive, and bad-tempered people may earn fear, but they don't often earn respect.  Dr. King himself taught us that sometimes delivering a message with non-violence can make it a more powerful message.  Parents who can deliver reprimands without shouting at their children model this rare but admirable character trait. The words of the wise are with gentleness heard, so therefore always strive to speak gently.  As another rabbi put it, The words of the wise are stated gently. In being good, do not be called ‘evil’.  In other words, don't let your means defeat your ends.
See more here.

The Content of their character, pt. 5

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember the immortal words of Martin L.King:

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?  The parochial school where I didn't send my children has a special curriculum, complete with books, worksheets, and posters on the wall, stressing thirteen positive character traits.  We allow religious schools more leeway in discussing ethics, morals, and virtue than public schools.  However, as parents,we shouldn't depend on our children's schools to teach them how to be good people.

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement, מוסר.

PEACE OF MIND

This trait could also be called equanimity, composure, cool-headedness, calmness, poise, self-control, composure, or a number of other things.  When people of character are under stress, we admire their ability to maintain their tempers and act with dignity.  We tend to have less respect for people who fly off the handle and overreact when things go wrong.  Have a spirit that is at rest, without ever being hasty, so that you can do everything calmly.  In Franklin's words, Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable. As the rabbi put it,  Have a spirit that is at rest, without ever being hasty, so that you can do everything calmly.
See more here.

The Content of their character, pt. 4

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Dr. Martin L. King:

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains? 

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that if you’re lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Benjamin Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement, מוסר.

RESPECT

Everybody alive deserves respect for the simple fact of being human.  We don't know what trials and tribulations another person has gone through.  Even if people are not our friends, they are still human beings.  If one refuses to show respect to others until they first demonstrate their respect, then one will never earn anyone's respect.   As R. Salanter advised, "Be cautious in the honoring of every person, even anyone whose thinking you consider to be imperfect."
See more here.

The Content of their Character, pt. 3

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Dr. Martin L.King:

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?  The parochial school where I didn't send my children has a special curriculum, complete with books, worksheets, and posters on the wall, stressing thirteen positive character traits.  We allow religious schools more leeway in discussing ethics, morals, and virtue than public schools.  However, as parents,we shouldn't depend on our children's schools to teach them how to be good people.

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement, מוסר.

DILIGENCE

It does little good to have intelligence and creativity  if one doesn't follow through on one's initiatives.  A person who claims to have great ideas and never acts on them or doesn't have the stick-to-it-iveness to complete a difficult task will ultimately earn no more respect than a person who has no ideas.  In fact, a person who claims to be working on an important project but isn't will look to others like a liar.  As Ben Franklin put it, Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.  R. Salanter said "Do what you decide to do with industriousness and enthusiasm."
See more here.