The Content of their character, pt. 2

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Dr. Martin L. King. 

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?   You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement, מוסר.

WORK ETHIC

First, let's consider how we don't want our children to turn out.  If we wanted to use negative language, which we should avoid, we could tell our children not to be lazy.  Many people have wonderful ideas, but if they never act upon them or follow through on projects they begin, nobody else will know what they're capable of doing, and they won't earn the appreciation or respect they should.  


  It is better to encourage them to develop the positive character trait which doesn't have an exact English translation of the Hebrew word, but which has been called alacrity, alertness or fastidiousness, or the tendency to manage one's time constructively.  As the rabbi put it, Never waste a moment, to let it be for no positive purpose, and likewise actively do what you seek to accomplish.

Benjamin Franklin's name for this virtue, #6 on his list, was INDUSTRY, and his advice was, "Lose no time; be always employ’d in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions."    
See more here.

The content of their Character, pt. 1

We all want our children to be good.  Some of us remember those immortal words of Dr. Martin L. King. 

But how many of us can easily recite a list of ingredients or traits a good character contains?  The parochial school where I didn't send my children has a special curriculum, complete with books, worksheets, and posters on the wall, stressing thirteen positive character traits.  We allow religious schools more leeway in discussing ethics, morals, and virtue than public schools.  However, as parents,we shouldn't depend on our children's schools to teach them how to be good people.

You might be blessed with wise parents, grandparents, or spiritual leaders who can tell you how to raise the perfect child.  If not, there is enough information out there in libraries and on the web that, if you're lucky, you might teach yourself before your children are grown.  But why reinvent the wheel when you have enough work on your hands as a parent already?  Here are some suggestions, taken from Ben Franklin, thought by some to be the wisest American of all time, and Rabbi Israel Salanter, the founder of the Jewish ethical movement, מוסר.

TRUTH

One of the most influential spiritual leaders of modern times, Rabbi Israel Salanter lived in Lithuania in the nineteenth century and founded the Mussar Movement in Judaism, which stresses the importance of ethics.  His ideas are the basis of many Jewish school curricula, and he codified a list of thirteen character traits that he thought everyone should try to cultivate.  The first on the list was Don't say anything unless you know in your heart that it is true.

In Benjamin Franklin's list of virtues,  Sincerity was #7: Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.  Whichever scheme one chooses to use as a model, I think everyone agrees that honesty is a crucial character trait, and without it, people will not gain others' respect.
See more here.

Why do some people turn out so much better than some other people?

What do we want most for our children?  Happiness?  Success?  Wealth?  Health?  Fame?  Popularity?  Brilliant marriages?

It was 23 years ago today that I married my children’s father, so let’s zero in for a moment on how we can raise children who will attract the best possible husbands and wives.  What does that most perfect someone look in a spouse?  Money?  Looks?  A high status job?   Good Cooking?  Why do we like and respect some individuals much more than others?  Let us ask one of the preeminent moral leaders of the twentieth century.

Everybody appreciates the line from Rev. Martin L. King Jr.’s famous speech, even people who don’t agree with anything else he ever said.
I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

But can anyone explain what that means?  What exactly are the contents of a good character?  King didn’t live long enough to leave us his wisdom on the subject.  Or perhaps in his generation, he thought everybody knew.

Answering this question would seem to be a reasonable responsibility of organized religion, yet the Ten Commandments are too basic and too broad to be of much help, and those dealing with our conduct toward each other are overwhelmingly negative.  Only the Fifth Commandment even hints at character in that it vaguely asks us to behave in such a manner that to bring honor to our parents, whatever that might entail.   Likewise, the Buddhist Eight-Fold Path and the Catholic Seven Splendid Virtues, while short and easy to memorize, provide little direction. 

In my day, I had to memorize this set of ten Laws, which dated back to 1920:

1. A Girl Scout's Honor Is to be Trusted. 2. A Girl Scout Is Loyal. 3. A Girl Scout's Duty Is to be Useful and to Help Others. 4. A Girl Scout is a Friend to All, and a Sister to every other Girl Scout. 5. A Girl Scout Is Courteous. 6. A Girl Scout Is a Friend to Animals. 7. A Girl Scout Obeys Orders. 8. A Girl Scout is Cheerful. 9. A Girl Scout is Thrifty. 10. A Girl Scout is Clean in Thought, Word and Deed.

I understand there is another organization for boys that had some comparable kind of rules, and since I last sewed any badges on my sash, those old Girl Scout Laws have undergone several revisions.

Another somewhat older list of virtues system designed to help young people improve their character came from a twenty-year-old Benjamin Franklin in 1741.  Although he may have been influenced by Aristotle, Franklin’s scheme bears a strong resemblance to the one Rabbi Moses Chaim Luzzatto published in 1738, מסילת ישרים or Paths of the Just, which became the basis of Mussar teachings of Rabbi Yisrael Salanter.  We will examine these in depth over the course of the next week or two.
 

Of Timetables and Flannel Teapots

When random stuff happens to a small child, the child learns to think the world is confusing and out of control.  A set schedule--breakfast at 7:00, story time at 7:30, bath time at 8:00, a walk outside at 9:00, playtime at 10:00, etc.--helps children to develop a sense of security and order, to organize, predict, and to make sense of events happening around them, and eventually to become self-disciplined people with better study skills and a work ethic.  

My children had a structure at the university day care center where I took them as babies.  We only used the center part time, because I took leave from my teaching job when the children were small, but to send them there, we had to commit to sending each child there at least two four-hour blocks on different days of the week.  Otherwise, the children wouldn’t have the opportunity to bond and form relationships with the staff.  In addition to free play time with high quality educational toys, naps, snacks, and walks outside, they had art, music, and story time, and even gym at a prescribed time every day.  Then there was my favorite: flannels.  What they did not have was television watching time. 

I had never heard of flannels, but this turned out to be one of my children’s favorite activities, and my friends’ children’s.  By now, for all I know, they have replaced the flannel board with a computer and projector, but I sincerely hope they have not.  The flannel board helped train the children to face the same direction for five or ten minutes and listen to a group presentation, an important skill they’ll need later in school.  It also helped teach them, through daily repetition and a visual component, some Mother Goose rhymes and songs.     

I didn't always follow a schedule at home; in fact, I thought excessive regimentation would stifle their creativity, so I pretty much followed their cues.  Besides, my own schedule didn't always allow a consistent routine day after, depending on classes, doctor's appointments, the weather, and the progress of the plumber or painters.  I'm sorry now that I didn't try harder to follow a schedule like the day care center's, and if I could do it all over again, I would try to do so.

Even children who don’t attend day care centers can get something out of scheduled activities like flannels.  After we left the center, I decided to continue with my own homemade flannel board.  I covered a cork board with flannel and bought some flannel fabric to cut into teapots, monkeys, beds, spiders, waterspouts, mice, clocks, kittens, mittens, and all the other little visual aides necessary for all my children’s favorite nursery rhymes.  It was a tedious process, and soon I discovered I could cut out pictures of all these objects and make them stay up on the flannel board if I glued old dryer sheets to the back of them.  That was better than tossing all that used fabric softener into the garbage.  Unlike books, they don’t cost a lot of money or take up a lot of space, and you don’t have to take them back to the library.  Best of all, it’s a fun way for children enjoy music and poetry while interacting with the adults who love them, and a better use of time than television.

What Children Learn

I haven't posted anything here for a while, and I'm planning something big for next week.  Here is this little formula, which we used to have in a small poster.  I see it almost everywhere, but I thought it was worth posting here.

“If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
 
 If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
 
 If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensi­ve.

 If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves­.

 If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.

 If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.

 If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

 If children live with encouragem­ent, they learn confidence­.

 If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.

 If children live with praise, they learn appreciati­on.

 If children live with acceptance­, they learn to love.

 If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves­.

 If children live with recognitio­n, they learn it is good to have a goal.

 If children live with sharing, they learn generosity­.

 If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulne­ss.
 
 If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
 
 If children live with kindness and considerat­ion, they learn respect.
 
 If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
 
 If children live with friendline­ss, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
(Copyright © 1972 by Dorothy Law Nolte)

The War on Education

One of my facebook friends posted this picture, so I posted it, and then another one of my friends wrote about it in his blog, Nine Kinds of Pie.


I can't think of anything I would add to improve on what he wrote. 


Thank you, Professor Nel of Kansas State University.

Have Mercy on that Child: One Last Word (I hope) on Names

My mother didn’t know it at the time, but she gave me one of the five most popular girl’s name of the decade.  Having gone through school as Susan R. (to avoid confusion with Susan G., Susan N., Susan O., Susan S., etc.) I would recommend that you think twice about giving a child an extremely popular name.  Before your baby is born, call the preschool where you think you might want to send him or her and ask the head teacher to complete this sentence: “I swear I’m going to strangle the next parent who names her baby _____!”  If it turns out to be the name you wanted to give your child, reconsider it.  If you are determined to give your child that name, then try to find another preschool.

Of course the opposite extreme has problems of its own.   Dealing with funny looks when people ask one’s name can be hard on a child, and after years of putting up with schoolteachers and potential employers asking for explanations, or even smirking, many people come to hate their names.  If you insist on an unfamiliar names or variations on the usual spelling, you’ll need to prepare your children to be patient, or they will have difficulties with some people.  You don’t want to give your children names so odd that they will curse you for the next eighty years for not giving them more normal sounding names.   I’ve heard and seen some names that have made me want to strangle people, and I think the less said about them, the better.  Let’s just say that if you want to give your child an interesting sounding exotic name, find out as much as you can about it first, including how it’s spelled.   You may think “Dayzhunay” sounds like a lovely, classy name, but people who remember their seventh grade French will all wonder what would possess any parent to name her child “Lunch.”

No Bad Boys

What is my biggest parenting Pet Peeve?  Parents -- or teachers -- telling children they are bad.  


Once I saw a toddler visiting her grandmother, who told her, when she climbed onto a chair, that she was a "good" girl.  I cringed.  It seemed that according to this grandmother, a child's moral worth is a function of her ability to climb onto a chair.  Then the little girl tried climbing onto the table, and suddenly she was pronounced a "bad" girl.  Does that mean children who can climb are good, but children who climb are bad?  That made no sense to me, and I told the old woman as much in no uncertain terms.  

If Timmy dunks Mary O'Shaunessy's braid in his inkwell, should we tell Timmy that he's bad, a terrible person?  No, we should tell him he did the wrong thing.  We can ask him how he would feel in Mary's place. We should make him understand how it hurts or offends people when we put ink in their hair or how it violates their dignity, which we ought to respect.  We can demand that he apologize to Mary and make some appropriate restitution.  But if we pass judgement on him, then he may begin to believe he is existentially evil and grow up loathing himself.  Or he may imagine he must persist in his bad behavior, because he knows that's what the world expects of him.     


We may disagree on religious grounds, but whatever one may believe about human nature and sin, one can do serious psychological damage to a child by confusing that child's specific behavior with the child's innate value.  We can hate the sin, but we must still love the sinner, especially if we are the sinner's parents.

Now you KNOW you’re in Trouble!

If children don't love their names, I'll bet that their parents used their names to discipline them.  If Steven's parents only say "Steven!" when what they mean is "I'm very angry with you right now!" "Stop that this minute!" or "Here comes a spanking!" then Steven will learn to associate his name with something he doesn't like.  I would try to save a child's name for happy occasions, like meals and playtime, or at least to keep it neutral.  If you must scold a child, it's better to leave the child's name out of it.    

What’s In a Name?

Babies may be cute, but they’re still just as human as anyone else, and just as deserving of respect.  I like to remember that babies aren’t going to be babies for their entire lives.  We certainly hope they’ll live longer than that.  So give them names they can grow into.  Nicknames are all right for friends and family, and it can be fun to play around with nicknames and make up new ones.  The more the merrier, I say.  But people deserve to have official names on their birth certificates that don't make people laugh at them, or at you, behind their backs.  

I would just remember that when your children are fifty years old and sitting on the U.S. Supreme Court, they might wish that instead of Jimmy or Patty or Bubbles or Skip, you had named them James or Patricia, or something else a bit more dignified.  They’ll get more respect, and so will you.    

Keep it Positive

When my children were small, they were all blessed to attend the best day care center in the city, the one affiliated with a local university.  Of course it was exclusive and expensive and we couldn't stay there for long.  We were able to enroll them in a nearby Montessori school where they received an excellent preparation for school from wonderful caring teachers.   But the university day care center, even though they only went part time, still taught me some valuable lessons, and I despaired that our society can't give every parent the opportunity to benefit from the wisdom and expertise of such child care staff.  I intend to write more about the educational program later, but what impressed me the most about this day care center was the way they trained all the staff to speak to children.

I once saw a little boy trying to climb up the stairs to a little loft in the classroom.  Every room had a little loft, but this one was off limits at that particular time of day.  I felt tempted to say, "Don't climb on those stairs" to the child, but the teacher responded before I could, saying, "Both feet on the floor!"  These people were trained to avoid saying "No" to the children or to tell them what they shouldn't do.  Instead, they put everything in positive terms.    

Just think about it.  For every positive comment, the average parent makes multiple negative comments.  When you start telling people what not to do -- don't hit, don't scratch, don't poke, don't pinch,don't grab, don't bite, don't spit, don't throw crayons at people, don't throw blocks at people, don't throw toy trucks at people, don't throw clay at people, etc. -- you have to think up a long and exhaustive list of every possible offense imaginable, or you run the risk of leaving something out.  (Aha!  You didn't say I can't throw my shoes or furniture or spitballs at him, and for that matter, you didn't say I can't squeeze the classroom guinea pig, either.)   Or you might plant an idea in a child's head that wasn't there before.  Sometimes you tell a child "do NOT do such and such" and the child listens to every word but the NOT.  If nothing else, you might give the child a negative attitude and let him think all adults ever do is to complain and forbid everything.  Instead, it is so much better to give very clear and simple directions about what the child should do.  "Keep your hands to yourself" or "Use only gentle touches."

It takes some thinking, but it works.  After seeing how effective the day care center's method is, I started trying to figure out the best way to word my instructions to my child.  "Don't touch that priceless Ming Dynasty vase!" became "Let's admire the priceless Ming Dynasty vase from afar.  Isn't it pretty?"  Instead of worrying about what disaster my two-year-old would cause next, I could delight at how quickly she learned to clasp her hands together, take a step back, and solemnly admire from afar. 

    

Your Child is Smarter than You Think.

When I mention my children, I usually feel like I'm bragging, but I really don't believe they're all that unusual.  Their friends and classmates impress me, too.  Furthermore, having taught public school, mostly in the inner city, I have seen plenty of bright young people I wish I could claim as my own offspring.  

If you've ever watched Olympic gymnastics or figure skating, or been to a concert or art museum, you know the human mind is capable of marvelous accomplishments.  But too often we witness a genius performance and we think "I could never do anything that well, and neither could anyone related to me."  We have to stop thinking that way.  

If many Americans seem stupid, it's not a natural failing.  I think it's engineered.  Businessmen (and the business of America is still business) know that if they want to make money, they need people who'll work hard for them for low pay and buy their products. Policy makers, city school boards, and the big broadcasting and publishing companies want a broad base of reliable, obedient drones who won't think too critically or ask too many questions of their "betters."  They may wring their hands and moan about how poorly underclass children perform in school, but they wouldn't want it any other way.  What if children from low income neighborhoods grew up to challenge the CEO's children for their jobs?  Nope!  It's in the corporations' interest to keep the public as uninformed as possible.

So how do they make people stupid?  Magazines that distract readers from real news with stories about celebrities' love lives.  Stupid television programs that make people stop reading altogether.  There are even parents who stifle their own children for whatever reason.  Imagine how different the world would be if, for the past sixty years, instead of mindless half hour sitcoms like Three's Company or shows like Glenn Beck, prime time television had offered full length dramas by the likes of Shakespeare, Ibsen, and August Wilson or operas by Mozart and Verdi every evening.  

Back in my public transit days, I remember watching a young mother with her preschool-age son.  The little boy was observing everything through the bus window and chattering about all of it.

"Doggy!  I see a doggy, Mama!"

"Shut up!"  

"Boo twuck!  I see a twuck, Mama, an' it's boo!"

"Shut up!"

"I can see a wed twuck!"

"Shut up!" 

Whatever was bothering that mother, I couldn't help wondering about that little boy.  I imagined him fifteen years down the road, in my class, with an assignment to write a five paragraph essay, insisting that he could only produce one or two sentences. 

Read to your child.

Yesterday I told a friend who teaches first grade that I had created this blog and could use her advice on what subject to cover.  Her immediate response was "Tell them to read to their child!  READ TO THAT CHILD!"  I agreed with her that this is crucial advice, but I didn't need to hear it from her.


I could read before I started first grade, and I attribute that to the fact that my parents read to me and encouraged me to learn as soon as I could.  My father had a book by Rudolph Flesch called Why Johnny Can't Read (and What You Can Do about It).  At a time when the "Dick, Jane, and Sally" method was popular in schools, Flesch vigorously advocated a return to phonics.  In the summer between kindergarten and first grade, I taught myself to read from the word lists at the back of his book.  Years later, I learned from my professional colleagues that Theodor Seuss Geisel used Flesch's book and the very same word lists in the back to compose his classic, The Cat in the Hat.  It turns out that Dr. Seuss and I were, literally, on the same page.


However, if you want your child to succeed in school, you can't wait until he's six years old to start reading instruction. Students whose parents rely on teachers to do all the work  will spend the rest of their education catching up with their classmates who had books in the house before starting school.  The advantage doesn't come from anybody's educational kit, and it costs nothing.  All you really need is a library card.  


Education experts agree that parents should sit down with their babies and read aloud to them every day. 


Even before a child is old enough to understand the meaning of the words, the experience of sitting on a parent's lap and listening to language will eventually help the child develop reading skills.  Perhaps more important, it will help develop a love for books and a motivation to learn more, because it helps children make a connection between learning and the love of the adults in their lives.  This is especially true if the adults reading to them are their fathers.  


Ideally, it's best to read a new story a day, although repetition is good.  Fortunately, most public libraries will allow parents to check out lots of books and keep them for over a week.  If you can take out ten books every week and keep the ones your child likes best for two or three weeks, perhaps reading two or three of them aloud every day, then your to your child will benefit tremendously.  


If you start early enough, it doesn't matter what the book is about.  Read them the telephone directory if you want to.  It doesn't even matter whether you can read the words on the page or not, although anyone who can read this can probably read a children's picture book.  Of course a child will probably catch on by the age of three or four, but if a parent can't read, having a newborn baby is a perfect opportunity to learn how.  Whether you believe in phonics or "whole language" instruction, just listening to the sound of the language, while seeing the written word, will help.  Someone (and I'm sorry I don't have a source for this) wrote that a child will learn to read after having heard a thousand stories, about one new book a day for three years.  That's a good goal.  


I decided long before I had my first child that I would read to her, starting on the day she was born.  I even chose the book years in advance, The Wind in the Willows.  I remember sitting up in my hospital bed holding her to my chest, and listening to the poetry of the language.  On finishing the book, I decided I didn't really like its message, but I like to think that she found comfort in the sound of the words in the voice that should have been familiar to her after nine months.  At about six months, she started grabbing at books and trying to put them in her mouth, so we had to rely on cloth, plastic, and cardboard books for a while.  I did supply her with alphabet blocks and a few other educational toys and games, but I got over the educational-toy-buying urge by the time her two younger sisters started school.  She read her first book at age 3 and read more as a child than I did, and her SAT reading score in high school was 800.  The other two are also excellent readers, and I'm going to stop boasting now.  I mention this not to argue that my children are better than anybody else's, but to argue that parents who read to their children from the beginning can give them advantages they won't have if nobody reads to them.        

Both Hands on the Car.

Streets and parking lots can be dangerous places for small children.  Drivers can't see people as short as the average two-year-old, especially not drivers of SUV's and other trucks.  Ideally, you should hold a toddler's hand until he or she is safe in your car.  Unfortunately, that's not possible if your hands are full of the toddler's younger sibling.  Unless your toddler can climb into the car and wait for you to strap the baby safely into a car seat, you need to make sure the toddler is safe and out of harm's way.  You can tell them to stay nearby, but it's not very clear, and they may still want to run off.  If you phrase it in negative terms and tell your two-year-old not to run off, that might be just what it take to plant the idea in that little head of running off, and then you have a conflict on your hands.  It's better to give them clear, positive directions, like "keep one hand on the car," but that's still not the safest distance.  What I taught my toddlers to do was to stand so close to the car that they were touching it with both hands.  That way, they were too busy making sure that neither hand left the car to stray.  Another driver could not hit the child without hitting me and the car itself.    

Make Bubbles!

If we want children to do something properly, we need to give them clear directions.  It's important to practice good hygiene, but telling small children to wash their hand doesn't give them enough information about how to do it.  This is what I told my children when they were small: 

• Turn on the water (warm is better than cold, if you're not afraid of it) and get your hands wet
• Put a little soap on your hands
• Rub your hands together and make lots of bubbles all over both of them, including between your fingers
• Rinse off all the water
• Dry your hands.

Recently, I heard someone say children should be taught to take as much time to wash their hands as it takes to sing "Happy Birthday."   I think that's a great idea.  When I taught school, I tried to write birthday greetings on the chalkboard every day, be it for Jane Austen, Gustav Mahler, A. Philip Randolph, or whoever might have had a birthday on any given day.  It gave the students an opportunity to learn about a person they had never thought about before.  It also gives children something to sing about when they wash their hands. 

Happy Mother's Day.

Welcome to my new blog for mothers and others who care about children.  When my children were small, I decided that someday I wanted to write a book called Making Bubbles compiling all my ideas about childrearing from health, education, and psychological well-being to making a positive moral and political impact on the world when they grow up.  Instead of writing an old-fashioned book, I decided to publish my ideas on line so you can read them for free!


If you have any questions you would like me to address or links you would like to share, feel free to get in touch.