Keep it Positive

When my children were small, they were all blessed to attend the best day care center in the city, the one affiliated with a local university.  Of course it was exclusive and expensive and we couldn't stay there for long.  We were able to enroll them in a nearby Montessori school where they received an excellent preparation for school from wonderful caring teachers.   But the university day care center, even though they only went part time, still taught me some valuable lessons, and I despaired that our society can't give every parent the opportunity to benefit from the wisdom and expertise of such child care staff.  I intend to write more about the educational program later, but what impressed me the most about this day care center was the way they trained all the staff to speak to children.

I once saw a little boy trying to climb up the stairs to a little loft in the classroom.  Every room had a little loft, but this one was off limits at that particular time of day.  I felt tempted to say, "Don't climb on those stairs" to the child, but the teacher responded before I could, saying, "Both feet on the floor!"  These people were trained to avoid saying "No" to the children or to tell them what they shouldn't do.  Instead, they put everything in positive terms.    

Just think about it.  For every positive comment, the average parent makes multiple negative comments.  When you start telling people what not to do -- don't hit, don't scratch, don't poke, don't pinch,don't grab, don't bite, don't spit, don't throw crayons at people, don't throw blocks at people, don't throw toy trucks at people, don't throw clay at people, etc. -- you have to think up a long and exhaustive list of every possible offense imaginable, or you run the risk of leaving something out.  (Aha!  You didn't say I can't throw my shoes or furniture or spitballs at him, and for that matter, you didn't say I can't squeeze the classroom guinea pig, either.)   Or you might plant an idea in a child's head that wasn't there before.  Sometimes you tell a child "do NOT do such and such" and the child listens to every word but the NOT.  If nothing else, you might give the child a negative attitude and let him think all adults ever do is to complain and forbid everything.  Instead, it is so much better to give very clear and simple directions about what the child should do.  "Keep your hands to yourself" or "Use only gentle touches."

It takes some thinking, but it works.  After seeing how effective the day care center's method is, I started trying to figure out the best way to word my instructions to my child.  "Don't touch that priceless Ming Dynasty vase!" became "Let's admire the priceless Ming Dynasty vase from afar.  Isn't it pretty?"  Instead of worrying about what disaster my two-year-old would cause next, I could delight at how quickly she learned to clasp her hands together, take a step back, and solemnly admire from afar.